Category Archives: dreams

When you don’t get to say goodbye …

Posted on December 16, 2012 | 1 comment

it leaves a void; a hole that can never be filled, a wound that never quite heals.  No one ever thinks that the last time you see someone will be the last time you see someone.

It doesn’t matter if it is a friend, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, child.  It just doesn’t matter.  We always expect to have the next time.

But sometimes there isn’t one.

Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn that leaves us bewildered and wondering what, if we had  been given the chance, we would have said.

I found this out myself, first-hand, a few years ago.  I said goodnight to my husband and the next morning, as I did every day, left him sleeping when I went to work.  .

I, as every day before, left him a note telling him good morning and that I loved him, but didn’t wake him because there would be plenty of time when I got home for idle chat.  While I was working and running petty, unneeded errands, he left this world and when I got home, ready to share my day with him, he was dead.

There was no next time.

No next moment.

No next day.

I was devastated.

How could something like this happen?  How could there be so many things left unsaid?  So many dreams left unfulfilled?  So many moments that never found their way into the reality of every day life?

It is disheartening to find oneself with so many unanswered questions and unsaid words of love and devotion.  It seems that as time passes, there are even more words that come to mind that, if there had been the chance, I would have said.

We, none of us, have a promise of a single minute other than the one we are currently living in.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.  I learned to say what I was thinking, speak my mind and share my heart with the ones that are important to me.

But as all things, as the world continues to turn and time continues to pass, old habits find a way of re-entering my life.  I find that there are things I want to say, but wait because I am certain that now is not the time.  Or maybe I can’t seem to find the courage to speak that which is in my heart.

Either way, it means that I really didn’t learn anything from my experience and that all the pain and sorrow I suffered was for nothing.

What is it about being human that makes us hold what we feel so close to our vest?  To keep the thoughts and wanderings in our minds, hearts and souls to ourselves because we either feel that we will be misunderstood, ridiculed or simply ignored?

What is it that makes us feel that we are less than we are simply because we doubt our own importance in an ever-changing world?

I don’t want to be that way.  I want the people I love and care about to know that I love and care about them.  I want them to know that I think about them often, sometimes daily and sometimes several times a day.  I want to have the courage to tell people when they have hurt me so that they will know what moves my heart.

Time is fleeting and life is too short, even when there aren’t extenuating circumstances.

I look at my own life and instead of embracing it for what I have learned, I compare it to the lives of those around me.  I belittle my own experiences because in my mind, they are mundane when placed side by side with others.  I make excuses to keep my thoughts to myself and find reasons not to say what I need to say.

But if I don’t say what is in my heart, then if, while I sleep, I die, those words and thoughts will die with me.  The same goes for everyone.  There isn’t always another chance, another day, another moment in time.

Sometimes the last time really is the last time.

I try, sometimes, to remember the last words I said to my husband and I can’t.  I know at some point, I told him I loved him, but did he know just how much?

Did he know how I respected him for his knowledge and contribution to my growth in life and spirit?

Did he know that I needed him?

I can only hope where he is concerned, but in the here and now, with family, friends and loved ones, I have the power to tell them what I need them to know.  The power is mine and mine alone and if I choose to keep the words to myself, then if some unknown event occurs, the power that was mine will become a weakness I will be given no choice but to live with.

Life is short.  Don’t waste a moment.  Don’t miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them, are proud of them, are happy for them, miss them, are praying for them.  Don’t let the sun set on words unsaid for there is no promise that the sun will rise on that life in the morning.

Be well, my dear ones, and give each other the words that only your heart can say.  For tomorrow may not come and then the words will have no place to go.

spiritofjim

1 Comment

Posted in blessings, blog, brokenness, choices, courage, death, death of a child, death of a loved one, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, family, feelings, friends, from my heart, insecurity, Life, life experiences, loss of a child, love, man and wife, Moving on, Photography, strength, Time, words

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Pianist …

Posted on December 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

was in the mood to play.  This has been one of those rare spaces of time that I live for.  Moments that move me past my everyday life and touch the very core of that which makes me who I am.  A time when emotions show themselves and then are pushed aside as the sheer joy of  music fills my spirit.  Before tonight, I didn’t realize how low my Spirit was feeling.  Putting on a smile for the onlookers is easy.  Those who don’t know what they are looking at take it at face value.  I had begun to almost believe it as well.  Until tonight.

I got all jazzed up and found that I was only going through the motions at the employee Christmas party.  Afterward, however, was the turning point of the evening.  I stopped by the house of two of my dearest friends. There was laughter, friendship and camaraderie that one can only get from those they are closest to.  And then the offer came.  The offer to listen as he played the piano.  After the first song, I simply burst into tears and was moved so deeply as they ran, unashamedly,  down my face.  It was as if the notes on the page weren’t there at all, such was the depth of the music.  I found myself feeling freed of every negative thought that was swirling in my mind.  The profoundness of the notes were so moving that my Spirit had no choice but to open itself, becoming released from burdens and sadness that I had not really, until then, been aware were there.

I felt transcended; removed from time and space .  There was nothing in my world at that moment but the musician and the music he made; his hands flying over the keys, the sound touching me intimately,  stimulating every cell in my body.  I felt awakened and content; calmness and exhilaration blending to become an emotion of its own.  Thoughts that had filled my head for days and weeks were swept away, leaving nothing but the serenity of hearing such brilliance being played in my presence.

It is hard to explain what the sound of a piano does to me.  It makes me feel breathless and full of something so wonderful that the world can’t touch. I consider myself immensely blessed to have a piano man in my life; and am thankful beyond what I have the capacity to relay in mere words that he plays for me.  I suppose it isn’t really for me, but for himself, but I like to think it’s for me because he knows I love it so.  Thank you, my friend, for sharing your gift with me.  I am richer now than I was only a few hours ago because you took me somewhere so ethereal that even my vivid and encompassing imagination has a hard time comprehending it.

Even as I write this post, the rain is beginning to fall.  I can now say, without reservation or hesitation that this has, without a doubt, been the best evening I’ve had in a very long time.

flowersfornini

Isaiah 55:12 ~ You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, bible verse, blessings, blog, depression, dreams, emotions, facebook, feelings, friends, from my heart, Greeting Card Universe, joy, laughter, Life, life experiences, music, Photography, piano, Thanksgiving, Time

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Being a greeting card designer …

Posted on December 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

was never  in my plans; it wasn’t even in the back of my mind.  A thought not yet thought, a dream not yet dreampt.  It never really occurred to me that I could design greeting cards until one day, four years ago, when I was looking for a place to make a birthday card for my friend Len.  I wanted to use a photograph of our Great Pyrenees dogs to upload to a card in order to wish a happy birthday to my dog-loving friend.  I had looked up such sites before, but could find none that would allow me to upload my own photographs onto the card.  And then, out of the blue (always a sure sign that a blessing is in the midst), I found Greeting Card Universe.  It was exactly what I had been looking for and the site said that I could upload my photographs and make cards out of them and actually make money off of them.   I had an overwhelming urge to do just that, caring about the photography and not really expecting to make any money from what came out my heart and head.  The site said that it could take several months to sell a card and it could be years before any revenue was made.

My husband, who was still living at the time, encouraged me to make more.  To put the words in my heart with the photographs that I had been given.  I had to come up with a name for the store and because I give God all the glory for what I see through the lens of my camera, Through the Eyes of the Spirit just popped into my mind.  Jim was one of my biggest fans and a sounding board for new ideas and thoughts.  He was brutally honest and I appreciated that, as honesty is very important to me.  I began to put words to the photographs I had taken and created cards that I could scarcely imagine that anyone would want. I was at a crossroads.  A place where I had two choices; share what I had been given or cowardly hide it away because I couldn’t fathom that anyone would want anything that I had created.

So I did it. I took the leap of faith and uploaded a card with my own photograph and my own verse and prepared to wait for months or even years for anyone to take an interest.  Eleven days later, I sold my first greeting card.  The feeling was one of jubilation, honor,  humbleness and, quite honestly, disbelief.  I simply could not believe that there were people who had an interest in the words I had to say, words that were given to me, those not my own, but placed in my heart by a faithful God.

I immediately considered the first sale a fluke and then more came.  And more after that.  It seemed that I had a knack for coming up with the words that people wanted to say, but didn’t quite know how.  I made card after card, the verses rolling off my tongue as though they were native to me.  What inspiration and joy I had from each one and every time I had a sale, I was thankful and gave thanks to the Lord who had given such a wonderful thing to me.  It became a ministry.  One of encouragement to the downtrodden and suffering.  It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.  Many times I cried over the verses for they were born of life experiences and hardships that I would never have dreamed could ever be anything more than a burden.

It has been four years since I joined the world of greeting card design and more than 20,000 cards have sold.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Twenty thousand.  I am stunned.  I continue to be stunned.  And with each sale, whether it be for one card or 500 cards, I feel the same as I did when the very first one sold.  The thrill and exhilaration has not faded.  Each time I get a notification, I first thank God, for it is all for His glory.  My name will fade from the mind only moments after hearing it, but His name will still be on the lips of His people until the end of time.  I am  honored that He has chosen me to be a part of His ministry through something that I love as much as my life itself.

In my heart of hearts, I am a photographer.  I see things differently and that, in itself, is a blessing.  I would love to be able to thank every single person, from all fifty states and thirty different countries for their support.  It isn’t possible.  I  don’t know who buys my cards.  All I am privy to is the location from which the card was purchased, but that doesn’t impede my desire to pray when I sell a card for “loss of mother” or “college graduate” or “thank you from bride to father”.  I am grateful for each one and feel a sense of gratitude and humbleness that out of  hundreds of thousand of cards, someone picked mine.

I don’t take this blessing lightly as it has had a profound influence on my life.  And I am, as I said, very grateful.  I am blessed beyond what I have the words to say and at times when I am feeling low, He lifts me by using the talents and gifts He gave to me to bring joy that would otherwise be absent.  I am in love with Jesus and take great pleasure in knowing that He loves me more than I can ever love Him.  Although life has a way of kicking me down from time to time, it cannot compete with what lives inside of me.  Life will go on whether I am a part of it or not, but how wonderful to know, that through the gifts given to me, that I am able to bring joy and encouragement to others.  That, without doubt or reservation, makes my life worth living and for that, I am grateful beyond words that I can say.

So again I say, to everyone who has ever purchased a card from Through the Eyes of the Spirit, I hope you got even a tenth of the joy from receiving the card as I got from creating it.

blackandwhite_rainbow

Isiah 41:10 ~ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, bible verse, black and white photography, blog, brokenness, choices, christian, courage, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, faith, feelings, follower of Jesus, friends, from my heart, God, Greeting Card Universe, Greeting Cards, insecurity, Jesus, joy, Life, life experiences, love, Photography, Sorrow and loss, spiritual healing, story, strength, Time, worship

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m not the envious type …

Posted on November 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

never have been, thankfully.  I’ve always been the type of person that was so very happy for anyone doing what it was that I wanted to do; experiencing the things that are on the list of things to do before I die … important moments that I can only hope to be a part of. That is no different now.  Although being in New York City and seeing the tree at Rockefeller Center on my birthday is on the top five things to do before I die, I could not be more happy for my sister.  She is there.  She and my brother (my sister’s husband), walking the streets, looking in the windows, stopping to listen to the saxophone player and then putting a bill in his case because he is just damn good.

And though I don’t see her walking into the seedier part of town just to get to a little hole-in-the-wall Italian joint, (I do, however, remember this place in China Town with a secret door and weaponized thugs where she tried to have me killed over a purse), a place that treats a tourist like a tourist and a local like a local; a place that I would do my very best to make friendly so that, even though I was a tourist, they would treat me like a local.  I’d have my camera out, hoping they, whoever they at that particular moment would be, would grace me with a few moments of their life in my lens.  I have so many lives in my lens.  I look back at the photographs sometimes and simply sob with gratitude that I was allowed to be a part of a life moment, at some time, in some place.

Yes, I hope she is having the time of her life, she and her husband, as they enjoy the beauty of New York with the drab streets and bare trees.  I hope she takes a photograph of the “virtual billboard” in Times’ Square, not really because she wants to but because she knows I would.  I hope she enjoys the subway and takes in the sounds and sights as she flies through the tunnels.  I hope the late Autumn, Christmas ready New York is everything she hoped it would be.  I hope, beyond all rational thought, that she has the best time of her life.  We may not always see eye to eye, but when it comes to the sticking point, I know who to call.

another of my many mottoes ~ Wherever you are, whatever you do, do it for yourself; otherwise your life will always be lived vicariously and the real experience will never be your own.  Dreaming is dreaming, irregardless of the dream.

Leave a comment

Posted in Birthday, blessings, blog, Christmas in NYC, dreams, emotions, facebook, family, friends, from my heart, God, joy, Life, life experiences, love, New York City, Photography, sisters, story, Time, travel

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s that time of year …

Posted on November 22, 2012 | Leave a comment

when folks start taking stock of their lives and thinking about the things they are thankful for.  There isn’t enough room on this blog to even begin to list all that I am thankful for, but find that I want, more than anything, to list at least a few.  There are, of course, the obvious; food, clothing, shelter, job, family – all the basics covered in one sentence, but what about the other entities and experiences?  The bounties that I sometimes forget to mention because I’m too busy or preoccupied to remember to be thankful for;  like music, silence, blue skies, white clouds, whispering oceans, warm sunshine, rustling leaves, winding mountain roads, bare trees, songs to sing, long, engaging, thought-provoking conversations, dancing to rhythms in my head and a myriad of other blessings that, for the moment, escape my memory.

As I write this, my mind wanders to some of the places I’ve been over the past year.  Not just physically, such as my favored falls or the rocks on top of the mountain, but where I have been spiritually, through the infinite grace and bountiful blessings of my Father God; the ministry He has given me through greeting cards and the ability to string words together and the counsel I have been able to share because of the trials and joys I have experienced.  I have met many new people, seen many new faces and heard much new music that has left me richer and more empowered than I was before.  While that is often the way it is with time and change, there are moments, spaces of time that span a few weeks to a few months that have changed my life, in one way or another, irrevocably.

Not all of the experiences have  been good ones, but I am thankful for them anyway as the lessons I learned from them were invaluable.  At the time, I suppose some of them seemed more like punishment than teaching, but as time passed and wisdom took the place of uncertainty, the evidence of growth was prominent.  The beauty of wisdom and strength as they become more clear in my mind and heart help me to understand that each experience, good or bad, is not coincidental, but a piece in a puzzle that never seems to be fully completed.  I find that stimulating conversation with a like mind is just as compelling to me as sitting alone finding notes on my keyboard as I work to learn to play the music that forms the words that, though I often cannot voice, I cherish nonetheless.

I have reconnected with some old friends, those that I had, for one reason or another, lost touch with.  It’s funny, somehow, that as an adult, the friendships that were forgotten or simply ignored over the years have rekindled and have more depth and meaning than I would have ever found in my youth.  I have found new friends, some that have moved me beyond any words that I could ever find the ability to express.  A connection that is not of the world that I live and work in every day, but is of something else altogether.  A pairing of minds, thoughts and ideas that would, if not for divine intervention, have been missed altogether.

It isn’t easy being different in an unusual sort of way from nearly everyone else I know and rekindling the connections to the artists and musicians from my past has encouraged me and made me feel a part of something that I have missed for way too long.  In the midst of what was already a part of me are the new friendships, those that fell, practically from the sky;  new friends on the surface, but in my heart and soul, are as old as time itself.  Finding familiarity in the unknown is exciting and exhilarating; not to mention a balm to the spirit.

My family has survived one attack after another this year and each one has, in its own way, brought us closer together, making us realize how important each of our unique qualities are in forging the dynamics of lasting bonds that cannot be broken.  As always, during this time of celebration and family get-togethers, the loved ones who have passed from this world are brought to the front of my mind and their wisdom and guidance, love and security, words and ideas fill me up.  It isn’t with sadness that I think of them, but of longing that I can’t sit down with them for a bit and ask the questions that I wish I had asked while they were living.  It never occurred to me, not in a realistic kind of way, that there wouldn’t be time to ask, to know and to find.  Along the same lines, I think of the questions and thoughts I share with my friends, the ones who seem to understand the very core of my being without explanation.  There is more power in that than could ever be described in words.

Yes, on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things, but most of all, I am thankful that I am child of God and that He loves me enough to give me everything I need and much of what I want simply because He loves me.  Yes, I am thankful, not just today, but everyday, for this beautiful life that I have been given and the growing realization that it is a privilege to be a part of a world that keeps on turning day after day after day.

To all my friends and all my family I wish you a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving.  I am blessed beyond measure and what you add to my life is a very big part of that blessing.  My wish is for your lives to be filled with awe, wonder, happiness and joy.  Yes, my blessings are too numerous to count, and for each one, I am thankful.

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so; little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong”

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, blessings, blog, christian, death, death of a loved one, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, faith, family, feelings, friends, from my heart, God, Greeting Cards, Hiking, Jesus, Life, life experiences, love, Mountains, music, Photography, spiritual healing, story, strength, Thanksgiving, Time, worship

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

so many thoughts …

Posted on November 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

seep through the filters and barriers of my mind tonight.  Part of it is, simply because it is true, brought on by the sudden death of my Uncle.  It is not his passing that I feel so strongly, however, but the emptiness, sorrow, anger, pain and need for understanding that I know, at this moment, my Aunt is feeling.  It is at this point that I want to say to her that everything will be OK (and it will be, but it isn’t now) and that time will heal her wounds (they will, but not yet).  There are so many things that I could say to try to bring comfort where comfort can’t be found.  The comfort comes in the wee hours of the morning when a certain song comes to mind, when the tears start and a after a few hours of mind-numbing, muscle-straining, heart-shattering sobbing, there is just a little more room for healing; a small window of clarity.  One doesn’t need to have lost someone to feel this kind of soul-cleansing sorrow; it can come in many forms.  I, myself, have found myself in this place many times over the years and I can say with certainty, so have some I have known..  No one is immune and no two people deal with it the same way.  Maybe it’s not the loss of a loved one or pet to death or some other tragedy.  Maybe it is the loss of a friend due to a move, the loss of a job after many years of faithful service.  Death isn’t the only thing that can cause us to fall on our face, confused, angry, uncertain; crying out to the only One who can ease the pain and heaviness of the burden we carry.  I think it is safe to say that if someone has one human that they can lay their thoughts on without fear of judgement, admonition or abandonment, then they are, in my mind, rich beyond what they could ever hope to imagine. I find myself rich and even so, it’s not easy pouring out my innermost secrets, failings and fears.  In my minds, they are bigger and more outrageous than anything that anyone has ever heard.  But that is a fallacy.  It is a trick and when it works, it works well; debilitating those of us who fall for its folly.  Don’t be fooled.  Spirit recognizes spirit; don’t be afraid to lean on people you can trust.  Ask yourself this; if the situation were reversed, would you want to be that human?  We all, even those of us who know we’re on a journey to somewhere better than this, need human contact,  That’s how we’re wired; how we’re fearfully and wonderfully made.  Don’t let your sorrow and pain separate you to the point where you become unreachable.  Let someone you trust share the load you carry, whatever the cargo may be.

33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world

Leave a comment

Posted in Autumn, believer, bible verse, blog, choices, christian, death, death of a loved one, depression, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, faith, feelings, friends, from my heart, God, Greeting Cards, Life, love, Moving on, Photography, Time

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Time … both a thing of beaty and of defeat… a peom

Posted on November 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

As shadows of the darkness descend

The remains of what we all begin

Embark the journey to the end

Of time

Like waves  upon the ocean wild

Sometimes meek and sometimes mild

Like the voice of a child

We search

As trees sway in the bitter cold

The young at heart are too so old

Under skies so brilliant blue

And sunrise of the palest hue

Just to murmur “I love you”

Once more

As darkness comes before the dawn

Unveiling here this weary pawn

Just as the first breath has been drawn

We die.

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, blog, courage, death, death of a loved one, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, feelings, Life, love, Photography

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I failed to make myself understood …

Posted on November 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

sometimes there are things in my head that are so purely what they are, that when I try to turn them into words, there are no words.  I didn’t coin this phrase, but I could have.  I looked it up to see to whom I should give credit, but believe it to be simply a well written line in a story.  I heard it on a tv show and though I wasn’t paying attention to the show as it was just for company, the words caught my attention.  I wished, immediately, that the person saying it was not an actor reading a script, but someone I knew.  Someone I knew intimately.  What understanding and pure synchronicity; what irony.

I think it would be coextensive to my emotional relationship to music and photography.  I don’t know anymore about music than how it makes me feel, but … I understand it.  And when the light shows her beauty, I feel nearly dizzy with the awesomeness of experiencing that single, perfect moment.

I feel that way most of the time.  My brain isn’t wired the same way as most of the people I know.  I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me.  I have thoughts, images, ideas … but I have no clue how to explain something that consumes me.  It isn’t lost on me how I am perceived and, for the most part, I don’t mind.  But … every now and then, I would like to know that someone understands me.  That without words, they just do.

I know.  We all want that, right?  I know.  There are things I know, thoughts I think, emotions I feel and I know they are real, at least to me.  I want someone else to know they are real; to know, not because they have knowledge of me, but because they feel it too.  A kinship in a world of near-isolation, without fragmentation; a world that is frightening to some people.  Frightening, at times, to me.

I am strong.  I am grateful for that, for I wasn’t always.  I am thankful for a mind of my own, for being different.  Being different certainly had it’s challenges … God has a way, though, of refining those whose seek Him into what they are meant to be.  While I still have a ways to go, I am leagues from where I began.  I guess it is enough to know, that whether anyone else in all the world understands me or not, my Heavenly Father, who created this arbitrary mind, does.

Romans 12:2 ~ And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, bible verse, blog, christian, courage, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, faith, friends, from my heart, God, Greeting Cards, Life, love, manic depressive disorder, music, Photography, Time

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Wonder of Nature, Baby…

Posted on October 30, 2012 | Leave a comment

a force to be reckoned with.  As Hurricane Sandy makes her way up the East Coast, I find it both exhilarating and humbling to follow along.  I have many friends, some in flesh and blood, and others on Facebook and Twitter that I follow along with.  I wonder and think about their well-being and hope they will be well and safe, but at the same time, well, what can I say?  I want to be in the midst of the waves and snow and wind and carnage.  I want to wield my weatherproof Pentax and document the most awesome entity that is called Nature.  It is in my blood, my heart and my soul and even though I have mixed feelings about it, it doesn’t change the desire.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I knew, beyond all rational thought, that I wanted to be a photographer, but it was somewhere in the middle of Mrs. Duncan’s third grade class.  I was caught taking photographs of the classroom and of the teacher, and she took my camera away.  As far as I know, if she is still living, she still has it.  Documentation of life as it happens became a pure obsession, one my parents (as those long ago sought after piano lessons) thought would pass.  But it didn’t pass.  Instead, it became an inferno as opposed to a campfire.

As years passed and photography consumed me, it had to take a back seat to the reality of having to work to feed my family.  A day job has, as far back as I can remember in my adult life, been the bane of my existence.  I got married and then had a child.  It wasn’t in my nature to quit once I had started something, so even though I loved my daughter and tried my best to make my husband happy, I could think of little else than leaving it all behind to pursue my dream.

But dreams are just that.  Imaginings and hopes that may or may not come to fruition.  The timing, at that particular moment, wasn’t right and I had responsibilities that kept me grounded.  I have no regrets (well, maybe some regrets where the philandering, cheating, no-good husband was concerned), but as far as my daughter, absolutely no regrets.  She was,  is and will continue to be a driving force in my life.  I had pretty much given up the hope of ever being a “real” photographer.

Fate and destiny has a way, though, of cutting through all the nonsense and paving a way where there didn’t seem to be one.  God knows the most intimate secrets and desires of my heart.  I began creating greeting cards a few years ago and have, to date, sold well over 20,000 cards.  God has blessed me well beyond what I believed I was capable of.  I have recently signed up to be a part of the Virginia Tourism team and excitement doesn’t even begin to cover what I feel.

Saying things out loud has always been a problem for me, but writing about or photographing and then writing about them is as natural as the breath in my lungs.  I look forward to every new adventure, each new sunrise and everything in between.   One has only to look at two sunrises or sunsets in succession to realize that they are completely different and have very different things to say.  Many times, I have (much to my family’s chagrin and disapproval) made myself a human lightning rod in the midst of thunderstorms, but take not into account my safety.  As I see it, if I die while photographing the wonder of nature, it has been a good death.

My blog posts come from my own brain and my own heart and my own point of view.  While there are times that I am certain I step on the toes and belief systems of the people I love and cherish, I cannot stem what comes from my soul.  To do so would be to deny that I, in any capacity, cease to exist and I have worked way to hard to overcome such ideals to let them hold me captive anymore.

Funnily enough, this post began as encouragement to those who are about to face an awesome display of nature and try to survive, but, has become more of an homage to those who follow along.  I am honored.  I am humbled.  I am inspired.  Life inspires me and that, in itself, is one of the most wonderful things I can imagine.

Leave a comment

Posted in believer, blog, choices, christian, courage, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, faith, feelings, friends, from my heart, God, Greeting Cards, insecurity, Life, love, Photography, piano, Southwest Virginia, story, Time, travel, VA, worship

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Choice …

Posted on October 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

the act of choosing;  picking or deciding between two or more possibilities  That is how Merriam Webster defines choice.  It doesn’t define it as waiting for someone to tell me what to do or worse yet, demanding that I follow a certain path.  It is something that is between me, my heart, my soul and my brain.  But choices didn’t come about just so I could chew my bottom lip and wonder what to do.  Everyone must choose between one thing or another, several times a day.  Do I have a pack of crackers or an egg McMuffin?  Do I stop for gas on the way to work or on the way home?  Do I go the regular way or take a shortcut?  Do I speed and hope I don’t caught or simply speed and not care either way?  These are mundane, daily choices that I make without any real thought or care.  They are the simplest of decisions to make.  But, and didn’t you just know there was going to be a “but”?  But, these choices are not the ones that define me and they are not the ones that define others that make them.  The life altering, time-stopping, mind-blowing, direction changing choices are a lot more complicated.  I’m not much of one to take a lot of time deciding about things, at least not anymore.  If the mood strikes, I just go and do, do and go and let the chips fall where they may.  The downside of not taking the time to ruminate is that I often find myself picking up many chips but it beats being led along by the nose because I didn’t have the courage to follow my own heart.  Not everything is black and white and every choice is not as easy as deciding what to have for breakfast.  Wanting something doesn’t always make doing or having it the right choice.

That being said, it is important to know where the boundaries lie; how far I am willing to go and how much of myself I am prepared to give to the choices I make?  How much of myself am I willing to sacrifice just to be able to hold onto or let go of something that just doesn’t fit?  That is a question that everyone has to ask themselves from time to time.  As I look around during my day to day life, I see many people who have fallen into the same trap of feeling like having a choice isn’t an option.  It isn’t always a case of being weak-minded or careless; often, instead, it is the result of of being vulnerable, naive and impressionable.  Had I the courage many years ago to follow my heart and listen to the sense my mind was trying to make, the path my life could have taken would likely have drastically different than it was.  That is not to say I haven’t had a good life, but because I didn’t have the confidence in myself nor the courage to possibly cause a confrontation, it hasn’t been an easy one.

I used to spend time wondering and dwelling on what would have happened if way back then, when I was caving at every turn because I just couldn’t bear the thought of having someone not like me, I had been more self aware and confident.  Not that I don’t still have moments of regression and doubt, but I have them with a louder voice and an assurance that the choices I make, for the most part, are my own.

There are things that have come from my poor choices that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, but that doesn’t make knowing that I did it all the hard way any easier.    Confidence and courage are two things that I learned once my daughter was born.  I no longer had the freedom to be indecisive and stand in the background waiting for someone to tell me what to do, not if I wanted her to have a different life than mine.  Being complacent, unsure and wavering were not a traits that I wanted to pass along to this beautiful, brilliant child.

Of all the people I have met, cared for, loved, passed on the street or simply seen from a distance, I feel like I can say with assurance that each and every one of them has made poor choices at some time in their lives.  With some, it is obvious that they are paying for them even now while with others, it is more difficult to visualize the toll that a life of indecisiveness and passivity has taken on them.  In earlier times, before I grew up, so to speak, they would have seen the same in me.  I am at a place now where I am comfortable in my own skin and not afraid to stand up for myself, for what I believe and for the people I love and care about.  I’m not afraid to speak my mind and go my own way.  At some point, though not before I had missed out on so many wonderful things, I stopped being that shy, timid girl and became a woman who is more sure of herself and ready and willing to take a risk or two just to see what happens.

Having that confidence and willingness to separate from the pack  is what I wish for everyone.  To be bold, confident and able to stand for what they believe in and strive for;  able to lay down their fear of walking alone and go down the path that they were chosen for.  Confidence is a powerful thing and while I wish I had known it sooner, it is enough that I know it now and I am thankful that God saw fit to lead me out of valleys I led myself into and.  I am blessed and pray that my life will be a testimony to my God who has been with me even during the worst of it all.

2 Timothy 1:7 ~ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

Leave a comment

Posted in blog, choices, courage, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, faith, God, Life, love, Moving on, Photography, Time

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,