the good, the bad and the indifferent. Birthdays have always been a very cool thing to me, whether it is mine or someone else’s, I just feel happy. Most of the time. This year, my birthday came and went. There was cake and ice-cream, family, friends, co-workers; all the usual birthday suspects. It was different, though. This month started out with a fairly serious facial injury and mid-way through, adding insult (and injury) to injury, I fairly seriously injured my shoulder and cracked a couple of ribs. Now it is no secret to the people who know me well that my mind, in the best of times, is a scary place to be. During the worst of times, I walk around with a bio-hazard sign flashing above my head.
But, as I so often do, digress. I can chalk part of it up to the end of October, that which I both long for and dread. I have a love/hate relationship with that month and it nearly always makes me high. November, however, is a month of coming to terms with the oncoming winter, saying goodbye to the leaves, hello to the bare sentries of winter and getting ready to be cold more often than not. And my birthday is this month and that always makes me feel extremely special. That was not to be this year. With each new event, there were melancholic thoughts of days past, days that I didn’t care that much for when they were the present. I thought much of my late husband and felt guilty, at times, that I was ready to let him be at peace and begin the process of getting on with my solitary (as that is how I like it) life.
I don’t discount the many blessings of the last year. That would be wrong on so many levels. The blessings have been numerous and I am thankful for each one. Blessings sometimes get lost in the fray of life, though. I have family suffering from the loss of a loved one, dear friends that I am unable to account for and dealing with turning 45. Any of these would be like turning a page during normal times, but when they all happen at once, well, it weighs on the mind.
Did it make my birthday less happy? Yes. Life has a way of doing what it wants. That doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy today, or tomorrow or the next day. It doesn’t mean that I am beyond hope. Unhappiness is a part of living and if there is anyone who has lived their entire life saying they have never experienced it, then you have seen, up close and personal, a liar.
November is nearly over and the round of Christmas parties, Band concerts, Christmas plays and a thousand other things that I will be trying hard to find a place to fit will present themselves, (at the last minute, always at the last minute), and at the same time, working diligently to keep my sanity (a fine line at best). While it is true that I’m closer to fifty than I was only a couple of days ago, that is the furthest thing on my mind. I am happier now than I have ever been. Free, so to speak, with a daughter in college and myself on my own. But there are times, as everyone knows, when it would be nice just to have someone put their arms around me, saying nothing as I cry until the tears were gone. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not a sign of weakness, but proof of humanness; it is life. It can be, at times discouraging, but in that moment that we find ourselves, unless we make it our mission, will not last forever. I am already looking forward to doing it better and with more enthusiasm in the next year; whatever “it” may be. I am a survivor and no matter what comes at me, I can depend on the Jesus to which I cling to lift me when my wings are too broken to fly on my own. I am truly, humbly, honorable and indescribably blessed and that, I don’t want to forget.
Looking at the here and now can sometimes be overwhelming … but the here and now will be the there and then tomorrow, so don’t let it break you. Let it get you down, cry when you need to, throw things if it suits you (my favorite thing to do in a crisis), but at the end of the day, realize that our life, our thoughts, our fears are part of what makes us who we are and without them, we wouldn’t really be anyone in particular, but like everyone else. I like being different, even when it’s painful. Though I have many regrets, there isn’t anything I would change because if I were to change them, my ability to relate and empathize would become obsolete. An easy life is no challenge, but rising above the odds and making the best of the worst situations takes us to a whole new level. It is my goal to serve my Lord and be the best that I can be for Him. Be encouraged, my friends, for nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Psalms 28:7 ~ The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart is trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will praise him.
A Photographer's Heart 