for a variety of reasons and, inexplicably, at times, for no reason at all. Tears fall as though they will never end, sobbing with indelible sorrow that may not be sorrow at all. A woman’s heart is a vast place that has many crevices and corners, turns and twists that often have no meaning, no direction. Just because I cry doesn’t mean that I am weak. On the contrary, each tear that falls makes me stronger, whether I understand the reason for the tears or not. They are, after all, signs of unspeakable grief and unbounding love. They are part of what makes us who we are.
My life has been riddled with tears for one reason or another. Loss, sorrow, betrayal, hurt, humiliation, and then, at times, for absolutely no reason at all. It is bad enough to cry for a good reason, but when the tears fall for no good reason, it leaves me feeling silly and empty with nothing and no one to which to throw the blame.
I have people in my past who, at one time or another, have purposely caused my tears. They, at this point, are irrelevant as I have moved past them. They no longer have any power over me and certainly don’t have the ability to bring tears to my eyes. The tears that fall, dripping from my face, have nothing to do with them as they have proven themselves unworthy not only of my sadness, but of a single thought on their behalf. I have stricken their names from my mind and moved on.
A hard day at work followed by stark loneliness can sometimes bring tears, but not always. I don’t mind being alone. As a matter of fact, I often thrive on it, so blaming tears on loneliness isn’t an option either. I have learned to be alone and have decided that, on many occasions, I prefer my own company to that of those who have no understanding of me. It is true. I would rather be by myself than spending time trying to explain myself to someone who not only can’t understand me, but has no desire to. And being by myself is not the same as being alone. I am surrounded by my music, by words, by thoughts and dreams that keep me company.
It would be vain of anyone to assume that they caused my tears. Who knows me better than myself? Who knows my deepest secrets other than myself? Well, a couple of people do, but their indifference does not make or break me. I am who I am because of the trials I have faced to this point. But who I am now has nothing to do with who I will be on another day. The hardships I have faced up to this point, along with the joys on the journey, make me who I am, at the moment. But what about tomorrow? Or the day after that? Or the year after that?
I am a woman and feel that therefore, I have the right to cry at will. Am I not allowed to cry simply to make room for more emotions? Is it shameful to cry for the things I long for, wish for, dream of, miss and long for? I think not. Tears are essential to my well-being. I am one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve. Tears are only a word away. It doesn’t make me less, it only makes me more in tune to the world around me. I do cry. It would be a lie to say otherwise. I hurt for many reasons, but that is nobody’s business buy my own. If I choose to share my tears, how can I be certain that those I share them with will have any understanding of their derivation. Who can say to us that we have no reason to cry about this, that or the other thing. Tears are personal. They are internal. They are telling, but only to those who have the ability to read what they say.
I won’t explain myself. I find no need. If one spends enough time in my life, they will understand me, my moods, my needs and the importance of tears. They will understand that the tears that fall from my eyes can have a myriad of reasons behind them. I cry when I pray, when I’m hurt, when I’m overwhelmed and sometimes, for no reason in particular. When someone causes my tears, it is often because they have hurt me on a level that few have reached. I don’t share the most intimate parts of myself with everyone, so that severely narrows the playing field.
It becomes irrelevant, really, what causes tears to fall. I play the woman card. The card that says that any number of things can make me cry. I don’t even try to explain it as it would be pointless. I am who I am, which is the same person I have always been. My tears mean something to me, but are often lost on the ones who are are partly responsible for causing them. In the end, if they fall from my eyes, I am responsible. I choose who I allow into my life, into my heart, into my dreams; therefore, the tears are of my own making. I have no one, but myself, to blame. It would be easy to cast blame, but what purpose would that serve. Often, people who have no intention to do so, hurt me deeply. Other times, I bring the hurt upon myself. Who is to say, when all is said and done, what causes a woman’s tears? Do we really need a valid reason to cry? I don’t. Sometimes I cry simply because I am so happy that tears are the closest thing to joy that I can achieve.
Tears do not have to stand for sadness … and nowhere is it written that only women cry … Men, too, have the burden 0f tears and, like my own, they can represent joy, relief, praise, worship and happiness. Not all tears are ones of sorrow or regret. But unless you know me, personally and on an intimate basis, my tears will mean nothing to you. That is the way of life. Our family and friends learn as they go; we learn as we go and life unfolds as it is meant and tears fall when they feel like it. It is, in the grand scheme of things, a very simple equation. The tears I cry tonight? Well, they are born of many things and will hopefully, end with the sunrise. At the end of the day, sometimes it is the tears which set me free.
A Photographer's Heart 