then I know that I am in a fix. The words are there, the right words, but they are so jumbled and discombobulated that when they come out, they aren’t right. They are harsh or meek or, worst case scenario, make no sense at all to anyone but me. I lash out at the ones I care about for no good reason at all. I expect them, since they know me, or say they do, to understand, but it doesn’t make it fair. It doesn’t make it right.
Right now, at this moment, it takes all of my concentration to simply string words together in a coherent sentence. Knowing this and knowing that I have conversed with people I care about about in my current state of mind brings about something that, while I am adept, they really have no experience with. I was told recently by a friend that they were sorry they caused me anxiety. I don’t have anxiety, I have racing thoughts that, at times, coincide with an intense “non-emotional” state. It isn’t sadness. It isn’t depression. It is simply the absence of emotion. And the absence of emotion is never, ever a good thing.
I called my mom tonight just to hear her voice. She doesn’t try to fix me or offer advice, she just listens as I tell her how nuts I feel. And I do feel nuts, whether I really am or not. That still remains to be seen. She listens to my thoughts and says to me “we’re here if you need us”. And she means it.
When I told her I had to get out of here for a while, she didn’t question it, but only said to let her know where I was going. I have no idea where I’m going, but the ocean is calling to me. The ocean, it is said, has no memory. That is what I’m looking for. Something without a memory. Something that will not recall the harsh words, sobbing tears or indifference that, over the past few days, I have felt. Maybe I will make it there and maybe, by the end of the week, I will be back to myself. Either way, I cannot stand to be here for a second more than is necessary. And dumping on the people in my life is not the answer. I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that doing so is not it.
After work on Friday, I will start driving. What direction is, as yet, unknown, but I will drive until I get where I am going. And once there, I hope I will find what eludes me at the moment. Sanity. Pure and true sanity with a calm mind and rational thoughts. I will let my mom know where I am because she asked me to; as for everyone else, there seems no real need. I am an anomaly in their lives. I don’t hold it against them. I am an anomaly in my own life; how can I possibly expect someone else to know what makes me tick when I’m not certain myself. A solitary life. For the most part, it is the perfect solution; except, of course, when I filet the people I care about because I come to a point where control is nearly impossible. Yes, for the most part, a solitary life would be the perfect solution. I rely on music to get me to a point when I can, once again, speak coherent thoughts. I am grateful for the pianists, who play the notes my mind sings, that keep me, on some level, sane. May God bless each one of them.
John 14:27 ~ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid
A Photographer's Heart 