Category Archives: from my heart

Five years later …

Posted on September 23, 2014 | Leave a comment

or nearly so, I am still sorting through my late husband’s things.

I should be past overpowering sadness by now.

I suppose I am, mostly.

But being a writer and photographer hinders that absolution.

Just when I begin to ascertain peace in my life, words intervene; I write about him and tear those nearly closed wounds open again.

It is as though he died this day, this moment, this hour.

Sadness seeps through the crevices the words carve.

Normal humans move forward, live their lives, make something of themselves from the shattered remains.

I want that, too.

But I’m a writer.

I’m a photographer.

I keep tearing those wounds, just as they’re healing, open.

I love writing about everything and photographing God’s perfect beauty; but it has a price.

I pay dearly through my words for they rip open wounds I’ve desperately attempted to close.

I bleed, painfully, and use photography to heal me.

Each image I capture stitches the brokenness and, simultaneously, pours remembrance on not quite yet healed hurts.

If one is not an artist of some kind, time will ease your pain.

For the rest of us, those with creative pieces in our soul, time simply laughs.

When the words, melodies and images are in our head and heart, there is little time can do.

What it can do is soon undone by what we are.

Sadness is my destiny, peace my hope.

And yet I write.

I photograph.

My hope is great.

My healing never really comes.

I have to ask myself if I would be willing to sacrifice my writing and photography for peace.

No, I answer.

I can live without peace.

To live without words and images would truly and altruistically destroy me.

That which brings me sadness will fuel my hope.

I am a writer and photographer.

Therein lies my hope.

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Desertion …

Posted on September 13, 2014 | Leave a comment

works in several directions.

It is easy to say poor, poor, pitiful me.

Wasn’t that a song?  I think it was.

Warren Devon sang it.  I think Terri Clark tried to sing it, but seriously?

Seriously?

It’s just as easy to say I am supremely blessed.

It’s, I suppose, a fine line.

That line between self-indulgent sorrowfulness and outright blessings.

I’ve never been any good at drawing lines.

I’ve lost good friends because drawing lines …

was a handicap.

Good friends.

Lost.

For good. For all times.

Because my line-drawing skills sucked like a wet-vac.

Those people, people I cared for very much, are no longer in my life because I didn’t conform to what they were looking for.

I wasn’t looking for anything other than friendship.

But, I think I had a vibe of some kind.

A sucker vibe.

I think of myself as strong and sufficient, but deep inside, I need approval; acceptance.

The people who pretended to know and understand me never understood that.

I find it plausible that others they prey on will find themselves in the same inexplicable, confusing place that I am in.

They ask for things, favors, jollies, but are Predators.

They have no real interest beyond their own control.

Yes. I know these people and am sorry for every thought they consumed.

I still think of them, more often than I want and wish they would leave my mind.

I wish to never think of them again, but strong personalities, people who use others for their own embodiment will always be out there.

Those of us who seek and thrive on acceptance will always be vulnerable to the likes of the JW’s
and DH’s in our lives.

Strength of character, knowledge of false friends and pure, unadulterated mistrust will sustain us.

Sad, but true.

Trust no-one.

That lesson I’ve learned.

It sucks to know you can’t trust the people you trusted.

While this is true for me, it isn’t such for everyone.

Follow your instincts.

Question your friends.

Trust few and investigate them thoroughly (hurting them be damned).

Trust your instincts.  It’s rare that they will let you down, but sometimes it happens.

Little else matters.

But do not be deceived … people you ‘”trust” will use you.

If you believe nothing else, believe that.

Trust no-one.

This I learned the hard way and still, nearly every night, cry myself to sleep.

As my late husband would have said, be ashamed.

That’s all I have to say to J and D.

Be ashamed.

You know who you are.

It horrifies me that I cry for you.

Damn you both.

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Posted in a strong body, blog, blogger, bloggess, broken, daydreamer, disappointment, dreams, from my heart, humor, hypomania, imagination, Life, life experiences, words

My nieces …

Posted on August 25, 2014 | Leave a comment

are remarkable.

Each of them brings me unspeakable joy.

Sophie, the oldest, was my first. I watched her being born and captured the first photograph of her.

She became, that photograph did, anyway, a greeting card.

http://www.greetingcarduniverse.com/holiday-cards/nurses-day-cards/general-nurses-day/nurses-day-obstetrics-new-baby-exam-150758?aid=133039

Gracie, known to me as Gracie-Bell, was second. I didn’t witness her birth as she decided to create all kinds of drama.

She, like her older sister, is a drama queen.

Gracie has Down’s Syndrome but lives life as though it will end tomorrow. She’s a character and, as you may have imagined, a greeting card as well.

http://www.greetingcarduniverse.com/holiday-cards/nurses-day-cards/general-nurses-day/happy-nurses-day-child-dancing-803906?aid=133039

Life happens as it happens and as it does, I capture it.

It’s what I do.

My daughter, for instance, was a music education major.  She’s chosen a different path, yet still found herself on a greeting card.

http://www.greetingcarduniverse.com/miss-you-cards/general-miss-you/girl-with-trumpet-music-135567?aid=133039

My dad, an inspiration to me though we often butted heads, is my mentor. Guess what?  Yep, a greeting card.

http://www.greetingcarduniverse.com/dad-father-birthday-cards/general/happy-birthday-dad-farmer-246883?aid=133039

Life happens.

In that life is magnificence.

Live.

Love.

Embrace.

Enjoy.

Time passes, life goes on, memories fade.

Enjoy each moment for there will come a time when nothing, except memories, remain.

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Family. Friends. Creation. Life.

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Nothing matters more.

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Posted in becoming strong, being human, black and white photography, blessings, blog, chasing the light, creation, dad, daydreamer, emotions, Encouragement, from my heart, Gracie, Life, life experiences, niece, Pentaxian, photographer, Photography, Southwest Virginia Blogger, through the eyes of the spirit, Time, words, writer

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Being a photographer …

Posted on August 25, 2014 | Leave a comment

these days means little more to most people than having a phone or buying an expensive camera and setting it to full auto.

Taking what they get because an image is just an image, right?

I feel sick when I look at photographs that have been photoshopped into submission.

Jpeg files that leave little room for development because so much is lost.

I still shoot film quite often and develop my prints in a borrowed darkroom.

The possibilities of what an image can be are endless.

When I shoot digital, I shoot RAW.

I’m amazed how many digital “photographers” I come across who have no idea what RAW means.

Maybe it’s wrong, but I dismiss them immediately.

Getting lucky now and then doesn’t make one a photographer.

It makes them lucky and cowardly.

A true photographer realizes that yeah, once in a while, we get lucky, but knowing when and where to shoot is an art.

Up hours before sunrise.

Hiking miles in the dark.

Sunburned and thirsty, dirty, scraped, wet, exhausted and sometimes bleeding.

I will likely never be a “discovered photographer”, but being real is more important to me than faking it.

I feel the light, hear the wind, understand the rain.

As do my fellow photographers.

We see beyond the end of our lenses.

We are what we shoot.

And proudly, we work for our shots.

We are a dying breed, but at the end of the day, understand what it really means to be a photographer.

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Posted in being myself, blog, from my heart, Life, life experiences, Lightroom, moon, nature, Nature Photographer, photographer, Photography, RAW, Time, trail shoots, words, writer

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Friendship …

Posted on August 21, 2014 | Leave a comment

is sacred.

A thing that transcends space and time.

Or should.

But everyone knows that people come and go in our lives

It is part of the natural order.

Fate.

Luck.

Devine intervention.

I look at my own life and see a series of failures.

I was blindsided many times.

Left trying to find the individual pieces among the shattered remains.

Abandonment.

Divorce.

Death.

Trusting becomes more difficult with each betrayal.

But I’m glutton for punishment and keep trusting people.

I can’t help it.

I am an optimist.

And on some level, I suppose, a sucker.

But aren’t we all just that now and then.

Wounded.

Scarred.

Survivors.

Strength comes through trials.

Difficulties.

Impossibilities.

It comes at a price.

Sometimes, that price is steep.

But who am I if I’m not myself?

And who are you?

Something to think about.

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Posted in afraid, alone, blog, blogger, choices, Encouragement, friends, from my heart, healing, human, Life, life experiences, peace, Pentax, Pentaxian, photographer, Photography, Southwest Virginia Blogger, strength, Time, words, writer

Being broken …

Posted on July 25, 2014 | Leave a comment

is a blessing.

Yes, you read correctly.

I am broken; have been broken and will, God willing, be broken again.

I am closest to God when I am broken for He loves me enough to be with me during the times in my life when I have nowhere else to turn.

I don’t seek out opportunities to be broken, yet find myself there.

I try to be good, to honor my Lord, yet I fail Him more often than not.

Ones who don’t love me have long given up on me.

That number is many.

People I have loved and adored as friends have cast me away as flawed, unworthy and incapable of love or friendship.

I don’t blame them.

I see myself that way.

But He sees me differently.

In His eyes, I am, though I’m broken, redeemable.

He sees something in me I can’t imagine.

Something worth saving.

Something He can use to help me reach out to others like me.

I am broken, yes, and being so, I am blessed.

I’ve lost so much, endured many trials, felt the hatred of those I held close to my heart.

It hasn’t been easy, but in order to be of use, it has been necessary.

I’ve been to the worst places;  destitute, friendless, homeless, persecuted, forgotten, scorned, and yet have survived the flames that threatened to burn me to ashes.

It could have hardened me but instead, it gave me an understanding I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

The fire refines me and, with each refining, I am stronger than I began.

Given a choice, I would have chosen an easier path.

An easier path, however, would have likely made me hardened and judgemental; useless to the work He had in store for me.

He lifts me above the flames so that I might relate to another’s trials.

I’ve been there.

In the fire.

In the desert.

In the wilderness.

Alone in the darkness surrounded by shattered pieces.

And wherever I was, whenever I was there, I wasn’t alone.

I will never, as He promised, be alone.

I once thought myself cursed, but now I find myself chosen.

How lovely to suffer for my Lord so that I can understand the heartbreak of His children.

I cry often, yes, but each tear that falls, falls into His hand and is treasured.

I understand who I am because He understood who He made me to be.

I love because He first loved me, though I was so often unloveable.

All of us, regardless of what we perceive ourselves to be are, at one time or another, unlovable.

That, we have in common.

Don’t follow my example, but learn from it.

That is my blessing and I am thankful for every heartwrenching trial.

Without them, I would be just like everyone else and, to my delight, He has set me apart.

Grace, mercy, tolerance and understanding are mine so that I can see, without blinders, His people.

Thank you, Lord, for eyes to see and an often broken heart to help me understand.

Amen.

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Posted in alone, being human, being myself, blessings, blog, blogger, bloggess, broken, brokenness, choices, courage, cry, dreams, emotions, emptiness, Encouragement, feelings, Freedom, from my heart, God, healing, Homeless, hope, Horror, joy, Life, life experiences, Light, Mother Nature

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Guilt …

Posted on July 3, 2014 | Leave a comment

is something I am well acquainted with.

I grew up on it.

It was my parents’ first line of defense.

Even when I was innocent, they had a way of making me feel at fault.

At fault for what?

Having sex when I wasn’t, my total incapacitation with math, the hostages in Iran?

It made no difference.

I was, for whatever the cause, to blame.

What matters is that I was too weak in my spirit and confused in my mind to argue.

So I went along.

They didn’t understand me.

Nobody understood me.

Nobody at that time really knew anything about bipolar disorder, or, as it was called then, manic-depressive disorder.

I knew I was different, but was made to believe, as everyone else did, that I was a rebellious teenager with a bad temperament.

I slammed doors.

I cried.

I drank.

I cut myself.

I was the epitome of a sufferer of Manic-Depressive disorder.

I had no control and yet was expected to exhibit control.

That is messed up in the purest sense.

I owe one doc my life. He recognized my plight and got me help.

He is one of my heroes.

Thanks, Jerry.

That was a long time ago.

In present day …

I believe Bi-Polar, one of the now-accepted terms, is a bastardization that allows people who have ups and downs now and then, to name themselves so they can be cool.

It let everyone into the nut club.

A place that was, when it wasn’t cool to be ‘bipolar”, only for those thought to be crazy, different, outcasts, criminals, nuts.

Now, however, you aren’t cool if you aren’t either bipolar or gay.

If I were gay, I would take exception to that, but I’m not gay.

I’m just crazy.

I hear rational people who exhibit no signs of affective psychosis , another PC name, proudly proclaim themselves as such.

Bipolar, that is.

Who are these people? These wanna-be’s who haven’t a clue.

They pretend to be psychotic and then turn it off as if it’s water.

I inwardly laugh just before I curse them with the single exercise of  spending a week in my head.

A day would be sufficient, but a week would make them catatonic or institutionalized.

A win, either way.

There is nothing glamorous or popular about suffering from manic-depression and if one thinks so, then they are pretending to so they can either …

fake being in high gear for the sake of getting attention …

have an excuse to be sexually promiscuous; if I may say, if it is real, the sex is unimaginable – (y’all know what I’m talking about) …

or find no fault with jumping out of the high windows on buildings because they know they can fly.

The alternative side of that msnic high is crouching in the bathroom with a razor blade, or cutting or purging or a million other coping mechanisms.

They forget that side while they are being manically cool.

Glamorous? NO.

To those who know what is real,
hang in there and fight.

To those who pretend to know what it’s like just to be manic-depressive, just shush.

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Posted in afraid, alone, being human, being myself, bipolar, blog, blogger, bloggess, brokenness, creation, disappointment, dreamer, dreams, fear, feeling crazy, feelings, from my heart, Guilt, human, knowledge, Life, life experiences, manic, manic depressive disorder, mental illness, moon, pretense, strength, Time, weirdness, words, writer

Over the weekend …

Posted on June 27, 2014 | Leave a comment

I had a total bipolar meltdown on my dad.

He was, at first, completely blindsided, and then perplexed.

I usually meltdown on my mom, who knows to just let it ride until the event is over.

But she wasn’t there and I was melting down in real time.

I think it was good for him, my Dad, that is, to see me as I have a propensity to be.

Totally crazy, on the edge of straight-jacket territory.

A mess.

I try to shield him from this side of me, because, well, at the risk of starting a riot, he is my dad and is, with abject certainty, a man.

Men rarely understand the astounding psyche of women.

Don’t roll your eyes and pretend to be insulted.

We know that maneuver.

Add bipolar to the mix and a total discombobulation takes over.

I love my Dad.

He is my, second only to Jesus and third to John Robert (who is dead, by the way), my hero.

A man who’s integrity I would bet my last dime on.

But he isn’t my mom.

He wants desperately to pat me on the head and tell me all is ok.

All is not okay.

I’M HAVING A MELTDOWN, WHERE IS MY MOTHER?

In my own defense, I didn’t say that.

I wanted to, but felt the ramifications would skew the effort to find out WHERE THE HELL my mom was.

So I cried, sobbed, made little sense while blindly clinging to my Dad.

I seriously doubt he will
ever be quite the same.

It’s a bit, I suppose, like trying raw oysters.

It sounds gross, but the rewards … well, they, by spades, outweigh the risks.

I hope, some day, to eat raw oysters with my dad.

A small, and yet ambiguous dream.

He hugged me while I was sobbing incoherently and told me he loved me, no matter what.

Major points for that.

Major.

Points.

Major.

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Posted in art, artist, being myself, bipolar, blog, blogger, bloggess, dad, daydreamer, depression, dreamer, dreams, Freedom, from my heart, healing, hope, in my opinion, learning new things, Life, life experiences, little things, Live as it happens, love, manic depressive disorder, meltdown, mental illness, parent, photographer, Southwest Virginia Photographer, tears, Thanksgiving, Time, Trees, Twitter, wanderlust, weird stuff, what was I thinking, words

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Abandonment …

Posted on June 10, 2014 | 1 comment

is one of those things that always comes as a surprise.

I’ve experienced it more times than I can count, and it never hurts any less than the first time.

I lost a friend.

Someone who saw the world in a similar way and had thoughts aligned with mine.

A soulmate, so to speak.

In my mind, a good and trusted friend.

I was, however, in the end, too much for them.

Too manic, too bipolar, too everything.

I want so badly to dislike them, to hold them to blame.

But the fault is mine.

I hoped for understanding and yet received ridicule and even more hurtful, harsh words that pierced my heart.

I didn’t expect this.

I was blindsided by pretense.

The purpose I am still not certain of.

The loss of that shattered me, but again, I take responsibility.

I will be, in the future, much less trusting.

It is a step back, yes, but a reminder that just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true.

I am trying to survive in an unfamiliar world.

There was a time when I would have done anything, up to and including, giving my life for them

Now, I wonder if would even spit on them if they were on fire.

I probably would.

My heart is broken, my spirit is wounded, but I have been here  before and survived.

I will survive this, as well.

I am, on my best days, somewhat unstable.

I don’t know why I keep expecting people who don’t know me to accept that.

Then again, yes, I do.

I’m am a Sagittarian optimist.

People will always take advantage of me because, whether they deserve it or not, I will trust them.

Some folks are Davids, and that is nothing anyone should ever aspire to be.

My bad.

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Posted in being human, being myself, bipolar, friends, from my heart, It is what it is, Life, life experiences, mental illness, words, writer

An abyss …

Posted on June 1, 2014 | Leave a comment

is an empty, echoing place.

No longer occupied by friends.

Silence where noise would be welcome.

Apart.

Separated.

Blame.

Fault.

Loss.

Tears.

Abyss.

An empty, echoing place.

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Posted in friends, from my heart, poetry, words, writer