is one of those emotions that catches me unawares. When I least expect it, am most vulnerable to it, haven’t the strength to fight it; it strikes. I don’t feel sadness everyday. As a matter of fact, I rarely feel sad and yet …
there are moments.
Moments when it feels as though the whole of the world is upon my shoulders and my soul is stripped bare.
Then, out of the blue, a thunderstorm approaches. I find myself on the back porch, tripod in place, waiting patiently for the the lightning; the strains of piano from my favorite music playlist resounding through the darkness as the photographer in me readies for the beauty that seems to be displaying itself just for me ….
And then ….
much to my surprise and unexpected, heart-lifting joy …
the first lightning bugs of the season appear in their magnificent beauty.
I wonder, as I watch them flicker playfully among the trees and grass and rocks if they they know how much I have longed to see them. How much I have missed them.
They are magical, as they blink and fade before my eyes. I feel, at this moment, that they are here for the sole purpose to encourage me. To give me hope and to lead me to a place that is full of light and beauty.
Do they know that I have been looking for them … waiting for them … wishing for them?
The lightning that encompasses the oncoming storm dims in importance as I find myself mesmerized by the display of mother nature’s incredible display of magnificence.
I am encouraged.
They encourage me. I wonder if they know that … if they understand how much comfort they bring to me.
I wonder if they understand that I have been waiting for them, if they know how much they calm my overstimulated system, my aching heart, my yearning soul.
I can do this.
I can face that which paralyzes me … that which takes me back to a desolate time when my heart shattered in my chest …. when time stood still.
We all have those things that bring us joy in the midst of sadness … friends who listen to our laments and judge us not. We have them.
We often take them for granted, at least I know I do … take for granted that they will be there in our time of need, but we have them; and they are there, without fail, when we are vulnerable and struggling simply to breathe, to live, to move from one moment to the next …not to judge but only to hear our thoughts and fears.
No judgment.
No harshness.
No rebuke.
No unsolicited advice.
No condemnation.
Only understanding , often in silence, as we fight our demons.
I am thankful for the lightning bugs.
And I am thankful for the friends who tolerate me, even when I am intolerable.
I am blessed well beyond what I deserve.
Thank you, Lord, for the lightning bugs, for friends who understand me and for loving me even though I am, many times, unlovable.
I count my blessings and they are many. While I am sorry that there are others who have stood in the rain, blinded by the sheer magnitude of the sorrow, they, as I have, have made it through the rain.
We are one, we are many and we are survivors in the midst of adversity, sorrow, death and pain.
We made it.
Amen.
A Photographer's Heart 