Category Archives: family

What a mess …

Posted on October 26, 2012 | Leave a comment

my house, I mean.  I hate to clean house, do laundry, wash dishes.  There is nothing about keeping house that I like.  My mother, bless her heart, will attest to that.  She likes a clean house and tried to instill that need for order to my sister and me.  It didn’t take.  I am, at the very core of my being, unorganized.  It is a miracle that I can keep my photography, poems and stories in any kind of order and some of it, well, let’s just not go there.

I’ve had some time off this week and could have easily devoted a day to do chores around the house; I could have, but I didn’t.  There were places to go and things to see that held much more appeal than vacuuming the rug or washing the dishes.  Luckily, in regard to dishwashing, I don’t cook.  If I can’t heat it up in the toaster oven or on the stove top, it likely won’t be found in my house.  I used to heat things up in the microwave, but it stopped working several months ago and I just haven’t replaced it.   But I digress.

This afternoon, I decided to have some soup.  I heated it up, poured it in a bowl and went to get a spoon.  There wasn’t one.  They were all dirty.  I looked more closely at the silverware drawer and saw that not only were there no spoons, there were also no forks or knives.  I tried to remember the last time I had washed dishes, but it was a lost cause.  At this point, I looked around the house and winced.  Without me even noticing, it had become more cluttered than I am comfortable with.  Shoes in the floor, papers on the couch; the usual clutter that normal people pick up as they go along.  Don’t misunderstand … I don’t mind a little clutter, but when it gets bad enough to make me want to move, well then it’s time to get rid of it; so I cleaned.   I vowed (as many times before) that I would be more careful to pick up as I go in the future; I knew, even as I told myself this, that it was highly unlikely.

It only took an hour or so to get it done, but in my mind, that was an hour or so that I could have spent doing nearly anything else.  I can see my mom shaking her head and asking herself where she went wrong.   Sorry, Mom.  Some things never change.

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Posted in blog, choices, clutter, family, Housekeeping, humor, Mom, Photography, poem, story

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A Moment of Truth

Posted on October 24, 2012 | Leave a comment

Today was a learning experience for me; a day of growth, both emotionally and spiritually.  Everyone has them from time to time, often when they don’t really understand what just happened.  Before a couple of weeks ago, I’m not sure I would have understood what happened.   I have, after all, spent the biggest part of my life up to now battling, and more often than not, losing to, my insecurities.  As a child I hid behind the shelter that my younger, more athletic, attention-seeking sister provided.  She was bigger than life and the focus and attention was always on her, leaving me to bask in obscurity … feverishly hoping that in obscurity I would remain.  But … God has a way of putting me in situations that far, far, far exceed my comfort zone and at a precise moment of His choosing, he gives me a choice; live or die.

My childhood faded to teenager, with even more reasons to be insecure.  The more I tried to fit in, the further out of the loop I became until I felt like a party of one … even in the midst of a crowd.  As my teens rolled into early twenties, it seemed that the insecurity consumed me.  I became a slave to the words of other people, whether they were actually meant for me or not.  Every criticism threatened to cause me to simply collapse into myself, not unlike an exploding star.  I became easy prey for someone to take advantage of.  And they did.  And I did nothing.  I felt so powerless.  I was dying.  I had chosen to die.

I suppose it is apt that this blog contain some remnants of Jim as this, had he lived, would have been our thirteenth anniversary.  I met Jim unexpectedly and the moment I looked into his eyes, I knew something was about to change.  I was so broken when we met, and in my mind, beyond redemption.  I had lost my way, my vision, myself and most importantly, I had lost my faith.  Through the next ten years, he chipped away at the insecurity, pushing me to look inside myself and face demons that haunted me … he damaged the high wall I had built and allowed light to shine into paralyzed places in my heart.  He helped me to find enough of myself to build on.  I realize with certainty that I was stronger when he died than I was on the day I married him; his encouragement, faith and devotion instrumental in coming to that realization.

Now, back to today … without a bit of insight into why it was such a turning point, the accomplishment would really have meant nothing to anyone but me.  And so it happened … an older man that I came into contact with today was harsh, with a harsh tone and harsh words.  I immediately felt myself closing off at the possibility of a confrontation and began wondering what kind of terrible home life he must have to be this way… but this time, a little voice inside me said “I thought you were going to work on not doing that anymore”.  And, after a momentary feeling of shock at the confidence (a state of being I struggle with) that I had the power to change, I felt a lock slide open.  As though a mist had been lifted, I saw him not as someone with a difficult home life, but only someone who was different than me.  Someone who had a personality diametric to my own and not simply out to hurt my feelings.  I looked at him differently, as a human being with thoughts and imaginings of his own and I no longer felt the need to ball up and cry.  I smiled at him and conversed regularly in the face of his demonstrative behavior and he smiled back.  He was not out to get me, didn’t hate me and had no idea that he had the power to hurt me; he was just an old man being all he knew to be.  And I didn’t internalize it this time.  The insecurity that sometimes threatens to suffocate me took a serious hit.

There will be many who read this that will have no understanding of such emotions as insecurity and the lack of confidence that is evident here; those of you who are self-assured and confident and have been since the beginning.  There are some, though, and those are the ones I write to, that will.  I found out today that I do have the power to control my emotions to some extent by searching for what I didn’t see before.  The humanness of us all.  What an intoxicating feeling to know that there is still more to learn about myself and,  gloriously exciting, how anxious I am to learn it.  I am thankful, as always, to a loving God who shows me what I need to know to be useful in the places He intends to send me.  I wait with bated breath to see what comes next …

Isaiah 42:3 ~ A bruised reed shall He not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment to truth

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Posted in believer, bible verse, blog, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, faith, family, feelings, friends, from my heart, God, insecurity, Life, Moving on, Photography, story, Time

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Today, I feel …

Posted on October 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

strong.  accomplished. motivated. tired. empowered.  It was a long day consisting of a long, difficult hike, mostly uphill, to be able to stand a bit closer to the sky and look out upon the beauty that lay below.  My trail shoots are usually five miles and under and while they are often to high places, with climbs and some measure of danger, today took the cake.  For eight hours, myself, my sister, niece and cousin trekked ten miles, mostly uphill, at a fairly steep incline.  At times, the steepness was such that holding onto trees or putting our hands on the ground was essential if we wanted to live to see another day.  It is, to date, the most difficult hike I have taken.  Had we decided to come in after visiting the White Rocks overlook, it would have likely been pretty much par for the course.  But no.  It wasn’t enough.  We went on to the Sand Cave.  I blame myself for it as I wanted so badly to see it and while we were there, we decided to bite the bullet and add an extra three miles to our adventure.  Knowing now what I didn’t know this morning when we started, I realize that in the future, I will go to one or the other, not both.  Actually, after having visited the Sand Cave, I can’t think of a good reason to go back.  Don’t misunderstand, it was beautiful, but it wasn’t what I had pictured in my mind.  The sand was deep and nearly impossible to walk in with shoes on.  I’m not a fan of sand in the first place, especially with shoes on, and this didn’t do anything to make me more of a fan.  The sand had the consistency of baby powder and didn’t stick to anything; a couple of stomps on a rock and all the sand feel off my shoes.  It was unusual and the ceiling and walls of the cave were spectacular, but still …  not a place I would purposely go to again.  The hike down to the cave was steep and, at times, treacherous, but the hike out was dangerous in the beginning and just plain exhausting by the end.  Already being tired and hungry (since as usual, I only had a pack of Toast-Chee crackers) made the climb out from the cave unusually strenuous.  The entire trail was rocky and rough, making it even more arduous.  The trail is listed as moderate, but don’t believe it for a minute.  It is, in places,  somewhat moderate but mostly difficult and not a trail I would recommend for amateurs.

Next weekend, I will go back to my beloved falls to see the foliage change and sit on the rocks for a while, enjoying the sound of rushing water and the complete solitude that I have found nearly every time I have gone there.  After today, it will feel no more strenuous than walking to the mailbox.

Let all creation sing a song
So that I may sing along.

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Posted in blog, dreams, family, God, Hiking, Life, Mountains, Photography, Southwest Virginia, Time, travel, VA

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It isn’t an issue …

Posted on October 1, 2012 | 1 comment

my niece’s Down’s Syndrome, that is; as a matter of fact, until someone brings it up, I forget about it.  I thought about it quite a bit this weekend, though.  It was the annual Buddy Walk, a walk sponsored by the National Down’s Syndrome Society.  There is a chapter of FRIENDS (Friends Reaching and Inspiring Neighbors about Down’s Syndrome) that services Southwest VA and Northeast TN.  It is through them that the Buddy Walk takes place each year.  But, I digress.

I saw many children there, many who were the same age as Grace, some older others younger.  I noticed many disabilities that I never give a second thought to  because I haven’t had to confront them with Gracie.  She does everything her sister does, sometimes even better, giving the impression that there is no disability.  While surrounded by the children and their parents, I had to take a moment and wonder what they go through on a daily basis just to insure that their child can have a routine of sorts.  Our biggest challenge is keeping up with Gracie as she is as fast as lightning and can be gone before you can say “Where’s Gracie?”.  Maybe we should dress her in a red and white striped shirt and make a book about her.

At one point, I took her with me and let her jump in one of the air-filled things.  What she really wanted to do was go down a slide that you had to climb up via little “foot pockets” to get to, kind of like the rock-climbing attractions at some malls.  I made her wait so her daddy could with her.

As it turned out, she didn’t need anybody to go with her.  She climbed up that thing like a monkey and never looked back, except when I was taking her picture because she is, irregardless of everything else, a ham.  I was so proud of her and a bit disappointed in myself for not having enough confidence in her abilities even though I see them nearly every day.

There are many lessons I can learn from Gracie.  I can learn to not know the meaning of can’t.  I can learn that just because something is hard has no bearing on whether I can do it or not and that unless I try, I will never know.  I can learn unconditional love that is blind to looks, color, demeanor, personality, social status, intelligence and the myriad of things that I roll my eyes at.  She doesn’t see with her eyes, but with her heart.  I think we could all use a bit more of that.

I thank God for both of my nieces and would lay down my life for either of them, but I thank Him especially for blessing our Gracie, for healing the hole in her heart, for fixing her kidney and for making her a grand example to all of us.  God Bless you Gracie.  You make me want to be a better person.

Romans 11:33 ~ O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!

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Posted in blog, Down's Syndrome, Down's Syndrome, Photography, Encouragement, family, God, Life, love, Photography, Time

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There’s something about sisters …

Posted on September 5, 2012 | 1 comment

that makes you want to hug them tightly even as you tear their hair out.  Something about someone who knows which buttons to push to get a certain reaction.  Someone you can call anytime and know that, without hesitation, they will help you hide a body.  Someone who knows your deepest secrets and only uses them against you to win an argument.  Someone who will stand with you even if the two of you are the only ones standing.  Someone who knows the difference between when you need to fight to vent and when you’re really mad.  Someone who forgives you for saying stupid and hurtful things.  Someone who sometimes says stupid and hurtful things.  Someone who seems to have an innate sense of when you need to be, depending, encouraged or discouraged.  Someone who will pray for you without being asked.  Someone who, were they no longer in our life, would leave an illimitable hole in our heart.  Our sister; our friend, enemy and ally.  I am thankful for mine.

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Posted in family, Life, love, Photography, sisters, Time

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His grace in my moment of weakness (a poem)

Posted on May 26, 2012 | 2 comments

At times like these, I truly know

That there are ones, whe’er friend or foe

who’ll say a prayer that I’ll be whole

In my time of weakness.

Without my saying a single word

The warriors of Prayer were instantaneously spurred

And their heartfelt prayers, my Father heard

In my time of weakness.

His encouragement began in my mother’s home

Where by grace she knew what was already known

And her love covered me like a blanket of blooms

In my time of weakness.

It then continued at my sister’s pool

Where love for my precious family did fuel

Dulling the  confusion of my inward duel

In my time of weakness.

Then there is a moment,  as every now and then

A priceless bit of time with my dearest friend

The one I know, for certain, will be there ’til the end

In my time of weakness.

The reminiscing of days gone by

Some with laughter, some with sigh

Some with tears brimming in our eyes

In my time of weakness.

Knowing that what was once can be

No longer a part of real life for me

Knowing I see what i want to see

In my time of weakness.

In my heart, I realize the pain they’d feel

If but a glimpse of my sadness was revealed

Knowing inside I had lost the zeal

In my time of weakness.

Getting down on bended knee

I pray that from these chains I’m freed

That no more would life be consumed by grief

In my time of weakness.

Driving home with my thoughts I felt so close to despair

Then creation rumbled as it cried out its prayer

That your gentle loving spirit would sooth my every care

In my time of weakness.

© gina minton kearns

Daisies in June

Jim is gone.  He is with Jesus. Even if it were in my power to do so, I would not bring him back to this  life with it’s twists, turns, trials and sorrows.  So this day, this night, this moment, I set him free.  Happy Birthday my precious one … I loved him in life and will love him, even if by God’s will, there is another, until my last breath, for he was a gift of my Father and he helped me see what I needed to see to fulfill the destiny God has for me.  I had words to say, but was unable to  find the way to say them  … and then they were given to me by the Sweet Holy Spirit … It always seems that, at my weakest moment, He gives to me what I need to hear … this time, He gave it to me in words … My God.  My Savior.  My Jesus.

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Posted in believer, Birthday, blog, death of a loved one, Encouragement, faith, family, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Life, Photography, poem, spiritual healing, Time

Sometimes the encourager needs encouragement

Posted on March 8, 2012 | 1 comment

Underneath the umbrella of certainty, there is, as always, an uncertainty.  Now, while that may sound profound, it isn’t.  It’s just one of those things that popped into my head while I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I am certain that, after all this time, there should not be days that I come home from work and expect to see a chair in my living room with the man I love waiting in it to welcome me home.  But the brain is a wonderfully complex thing and doesn’t always follow along with certainty, objectivity or, even at times, reality. 

It is, in a way, like expecting to take a drink of water, and have tea or coffee in the glass instead.  It is a momentary shock to the system followed with a quick recovery of remembrance of what was, or was not, there to begin with.  Life is very much like that tea in the water glass.  It looks like the same old day, the same road, the same surroundings, but, at any given time, a hitch can throw the whole process off. 

I don’t like days like that.  They usually end up with somebody, likely myself, crying or upset, sometimes angry that I was duped again by my own fatigue or momentary lapse in reality.  But days like this come along.  If allowed to have control, they will bring down not only that day, but days to follow.  Satan loves nothing better than to be watching from the shadows when that happens.  In the moment of surprise, he is able to stick his foot in the otherwise locked door and once his foot is in, it doesn’t take him long to maneuver his whole self into the scenario. 

I can’t think of anything, other than prayer and the knowledge of just how much I am loved by Jesus, that can push him out and shut the door.  It doesn’t pay to be fooled into thinking that if the only part that is left in the stronghold is a foot, then the stronghold is safe.  The part that kicks you down before it steps on you is the foot.  It will do us all well to remember that.  Our minds will play tricks on us, dulling memories over time to register what seems to be important and then building that into something that is extravagantly overstated. 

I was having one of those days today.  The foot was in the door and just when I was near to being kicked to the ground, there was a knock at it.  And at the door was my niece and she had something special for me.  It was a picture of a flower that she had drawn and had written both her name and mine on it.  It wouldn’t have mattered if it had been a rock from the garden, she took the time to bring it over, in the pouring rain, to shed some joy on what was fast becoming a rough evening. 

Jesus doesn’t forsake us when we’re down.  He doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves even when we forget to pray for His help.  He knows what we have need for and sends His encouragement so that we can get that foot, along with the rest of the devil, out of our door. Jesus has shown me over and over again that my gift is one of encouragement … just as He’s shown me over and over again that sometimes, the encourager needs to be encouraged.   In this case, I hung the encouragement on the fridge and just looking at  it reminds me that not only is all not lost, but much has only just begun.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ 9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Addendum:  two years later, that encouragement is still hanging on my fridge.  Jesus is everything He promised He would be.  I am in awe of Him.

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Posted in Encouragement, faith, family, God, Life, spiritual healing, worship

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Watching Gracie Grow

Posted on June 10, 2011 | 3 comments

Down’s Syndrome.  I had heard of it, seen people who had it and been around other folks who had children or grandchildren with Down’s but on a personal level, had no real understanding of it.  At least not until the birth of my youngest niece, Gracie.  Gracie came into the world nearly eight weeks early and spent the first two months of her life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NIC-U).  She had tubes in her nose and mouth, IV lines in her veins and spent much of her time in a special incubator that kept her body temperature regulated.  There was great excitement at each wet or dirty diaper and each dropper of formula that she was able to swallow.  The doctors said over and over to not get our hopes up, that there could be many things wrong and that she would likely be brain damaged, a near-vegetable.  They told of the horrors of holes in her heart and dysfunctional kidneys, blindness and the inability to walk, talk or do many of the  activities that other children do.  Their faces serious and their prognosis dire, they didn’t know what we did.

gracie smiles

That God was already working in that little life and had been even before she was conceived.  They didn’t know that this child was a miracle in the making, a blessing that would far exceed any of our imaginings.  As her little body rested in the incubator, her lungs strengthening with each breath, her muscles growing with each kick, her eyes, unfocused and blurry beginning to gaze directly into ours, we prayed.  Our friends and families prayed, our sister churches prayed and an ever-faithful, merciful and loving God gathered the prayers together and let His blessings flow, falling like the gentle rains of springtime.  When Gracie came home from the hospital, the nurses rejoiced that she was well enough to leave and cried that she would no longer be a part of their everyday lives.  At first, we handled her like a fragile china doll, afraid that the slightest touch would break her.  So tiny was she that our hands could cover her entire body.  But she didn’t stay tiny for long.  She grew and she thrived, she looked and she learned and she brought joy into all of our hearts that we had never known before.  With each milestone, she would smile and clap, then watch and wait for her fans to clap with her.    Watching Gracie grow is one of our most cherished blessings and I, for one, am grateful that this beautiful child graced our lives.  Not surprisingly, she has made her way on to numerous greeting cards, most recently, a Nurses Day card for Oncology Nurses.   Her love, light and laughter is contagious and I hope everyone catches a little bit of it.  I pray that God will continue to bless our sweet Gracie-Bell all of the days of her life.

a little pray-er goes a long way

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Posted in baby, blog, Down's Syndrome, Down's Syndrome, Photography, Encouragement, faith, family, God, Life, love, Photography, Time

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