Myself ain’t who she used to be

Myself.  One of the first words we learn as kiddos and one of the most damaging ones we can use as an adult.  I can do it myself.  I don’t need any help.  I have everything under control.  I am the master of my universe.  I can handle it.  All of these phrases have passed through my mind and many of them through my lips.  And it is such a lie.   A deceitful, self-defeating lie that is harmful to me on so many levels.  I, on my own, am like one of the chickens my grandparents used to raise.  There was a wire fence that was open on both ends, but the chickens would get behind it and walk back and forth all day and never realize they could go around.  The world, even my tiny, limited part of it, sometimes threatens to overwhelm me, forcing me to try to find someway out besides the door.   But, I can handle it.

I had dinner this week with one of my oldest and dearest friends.  We’ve known each other since we were in second grade.  I only see her a few times a year, but that doesen’t matter.  I know she is there.  At least I do now.  We only recently reconnected after having lost touch for many years.  That is the way with all of my old friends.  There are people that I think of nearly every day, but somewhere along the way, I decided that I didn’t need anybody.  So without meaning to, I lost touch with wonderful friends that I would loved to have known as an adult.  The blames lies with myself and the lie I decided to believe … the one that told me I could handle it.

As I get older and the Holy Spirit continues to guide and teach me, I see things more clearly.  I see that myself is not who she used to be.  That myself died when I gave my life to Jesus.  All these years that I have continued to believe the lie that I can do it myself and don’t need anyone has been my own doing.  Jesus took that along with all the other baggage when I gave myself to Him.  I didn’t have to carry it, but as long as I was determined to, He was going to let me.  When I look past what I let myself believe to what is actually real, I see myself as who I am now, not who I was then.  I find that I can be myself instead of making myself into someone that myself thought I wanted to be.  I am who God wants me to be.  There is power in that.

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