and re-evaluating my thoughts, emotions, feelings, friendships; things in general. I find myself in an odd position. This time of year is very difficult for me. I have, since the death of my husband, taken at least one day near his birthday, which incidentally, is tomorrow, off from work.
I never know how I will wake up … it could be the “well, just another day” mode, or the “hysterical, uncontrolled, inconsolable sobbing” mode. So, I avoid contact with the human race during that time because I am most unpredictable.
I know that I am not the only person who faces such days with this outlook. I would love to say that I am free from the memories, thoughts and flashbacks.
Actually, I could say that.
But I would be lying, and I am a terrible liar.
If I have learned anything, it is that it is good to know yourself. I think I have that one nailed. Unfortunately for my family and friends, I remain an enigma.
Sigh.
It makes me feel a bit disconcerted that, after all this time, the birthday of someone who has been dead for years still has the ability to effect me in this way.
Don’t roll your eyes. Of course I loved him and miss him. But over three years later? Give me a damn break already …
I had planned to spend the day at my favorite waterfall and then at a lake that holds special significance to me, however, due to an appliance malfunction, I will be at home.
Might as well cook, since I’m going to be here anyway and possibly reap the side benefit of being able to torment the appliance deliveryman with the smell of red sauce simmering on the stove.
I can only hope that he doesn’t find me sobbing like a child.
How awkward would that be?
Either way, I will get through the day and be thankful for many things. It doesn’t mean that I won’t lament over the things that hurt me, but those are less frequent than the blessings.
There is no point whatsoever in ignoring the white elephant in the room.
I miss my Jim; my Jamie. I miss seeing his sweet smile on his birthday. I have not, as odd as it may seem, dreamed of him even once, since his death. I suppose, on some level, I am grateful, for I would hate to wake each morning tormented by the past.
I am not big on torment … or pain … or sorrow.
Life goes on and we either live it leave it.
I choose to live it. Even when it makes me sad for without sadness sprinkled throughout, how could I truly embrace the joy.
I am a Sagittarian optimist. I am, even as the tears threaten to fall, looking for the silver lining. The tears will still fall. My heart will still mourn. My thoughts will still stray. But at the end of the day, I will believe that everything will be ok. And it will be.
Glass. Half. Full.
It’s just the way I roll.
A Photographer's Heart 