Awkward …

is just the tip of the iceberg.  I don’t feel uncomfortable writing this blog post tonight as I am certain there are others who are in the same, rotating, black hole that I find myself in.  A place that is confusing at best and maddening at worst.  A place of tears of sadness, anger, confusion and pure madness worthy of Edgar Allen Poe.  The only thing missing is the Raven knocking at my parlor door and I don’t even count that as an impossibility.

It’s hard to know what to do when one reaches a crossroad that they didn’t realize was there, blindsided by what they were certain could never happen; broken by silence that could be construed as so many things that it is difficult for the mind to comprehend.  The ones who have walked the path of which I speak, a path of believing with everything they have that there is someone who understands the workings of their mind only to find that disillusionment and disappointment  … you will need no explanation.

I am confused.  I make it a goal to try to encourage others along the way as that is my nature, but being soft-hearted and easily bruised is also in my nature.  I am a fan of closure.  I like to know why.  It isn’t something that happened into my head one day, it has always been that way.  I want closure.  I want to know the reasons behind the actions.  Maybe it is just being inquisitive or perhaps it is part of my “early in life learned” self-preservation; after all, if I know why, I am less likely to repeat the same mistake again.

I am not a very trusting person.  Gullible, yes, but trusting, very seldom.  Trust is something that I give so sparingly that I could count on one hand the number of people that I would confide in and could count on one finger the number of people that I would confide things that have never crossed my lips before.  It is a humbling thing to realize that the thoughts, dreams, secrets, fears, joys, hopes and humiliations have been shared  and then left wondering what I have done.  Wondering why I decided that this particular time was the moment to break down walls that have been in place for  years.  Walls now shattered with the memories swimming in my head again because  everything I believed to be true, honest and good was a fallacy.  Walls that will take years to rebuild, but in order to survive and live with what I hold inside myself, are necessary.  God forgives us ours sins, but our memories, well, they are here for the duration.

Do I regret it?  That is a difficult question.  At the time, I didn’t, but looking back, I begin to feel that niggling feeling of regret and humiliation, begin to hear that chastising voice that tells me that I have, yet again, shared too much, given too much, shown too much of myself.  And once it’s out there, it’s out there and nothing I can do or say will every make it as it was before.

There are people in my life that I cherish, ones I love, ones I like very much and others that I am sorry I ever met.  I think that there are many who can  relate to that.  Satan will use a variety of wiles to get us to compromise ourselves.  Maybe not physically, but mentally, giving what we wouldn’t otherwise have given.  He is a master of manipulation and those he chooses to hurt us are masters, in their own way, as well.  I wonder sometimes, if it isn’t a game that people play to see just how far they can push the envelope and once it is past the point of no return, simply walk away, with no explanation, smiling because in their mind, they have won the game they played.  It takes an intelligent person to play the game and although I think of myself as semi-intelligent, I’m not devious, ergo, I really don’t know how to play the game.  Furthermore, I don’t like playing mind games.

I suppose that this post is for all of those who are feeling a bit lost and wondering if it is betrayal or thoughtlessness they are dealing with.  But they, like I, am stronger than we were and more able to bounce back.  Will there be tears?  Yes.  Will they be bitter ones?  Most likely.  Will they break us?  Not a chance.  For everyone who feels like there is nobody on the planet who understands them, finds someone who does and then realizes that they were mistaken, you are not alone.  That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  I cry myself to sleep many nights, but that, as all the other nights spent doing the same, will end.  Keep your head up and, as much as is possible, smile as though your heart is soaring. Jesus knows my heart and He is more than willing to listen to my thoughts and not leave me to fend for myself.  I am sorry for the loss.  It is very similar to losing a loved one to death.  It is after all, in itself, a death, when we find that what we believed to be true was a lie.  We must start over and it seems easier to simply build the walls than to go through such a devastating betrayal again.  But life truly is beautiful and it is that thought that we must hang onto, and not to the bitterness that, if we let it, will overtake our hearts.  I am not bitter, I am sad.  But sadness, like everything else in life, does not last forever.  Be well, my friends, and know that irregardless of what you have done, seen, said, shared or  believed, that beauty will not fade.  I am who I am because of where I’ve been; I’ll be who I’ll be because of where I’ve yet to go.  It’s just that simple.


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