why not just eat worms… it’s no worse than eating off the ground

All of my life, there has been  talk and even, on occasion, action taken to confirm and support a five-second rule.  Something drops on the floor, and everybody stops in their tracks… FIVE SECOND RULE the chorus sings and someone dives for this morsel, not the last one mind you, that is on the floor.  They then, as proud as they can be that they saved whatever it was, pop it into their mouth and savor it as though it were the first bite they had taken in ten years..  So, after eating the tainted food, cuz, people, the food has been on the floor… it’s tainted, conversation supporting the five second rule ensues… and unfortunately for innocent bystanders, this conversation does not abide by the 5-SR and lasts for ages… As one of the innocent bystanders,  I hope whatever you have inside you that tells you it’s ok to eat food off the floor as long as you pick it up in less than five seconds is not catching…  This rule, however, is not limited to floors… it also applies to fields, warehouses and, heaven forbid, parking lots… I’ve seen it with my own peepers and worked doubletime to keep from gagging…  There is more than dirt on the floor, more than grass in the field and more than asphault in the parking lot… every shoe that comes into the house, unless taken out of the box at the front door and used only to visit one particular place, is full of disgusting stuff, like bugs, skin cells, hair and pet dander… and that’s just the obvious stuff… the field is full of all kinds of animal droppings and who knows what else… and the parking lot… wasn’t it you who jumped 10 feet backwards when the redneck in the pickup truck spit a big wad of chewed tobacco out his window…  I find myself flabbergasted to think that seemingly rational people who look, at least on the outside, to be relatively clean and well-groomed, would eat food off the ground just because they had the agility to grab it in less than five seconds… Well, I don’t care if you broke your previous record and snatched it up in 3 seconds, it has still been on the floor… If it falls in the toilet and you reach in and grab it out in less than five seconds, is it still good…?  The defense rests, your honor… Pardon me while I go gag now… be back in five seconds and then we will play name that parasite…

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