Category Archives: self-doubt

When sleep eludes me …

as it sometimes does, many things fill my head.  One of the purest and most beautiful of all are the words.  They fill my head, my heart, my soul and my spirit.  All kinds of words.  Work-related ones, home related ones; words about family and friends, dreams and possibilities.  Words about art and music, about fantasy, reality and the fine line between the two.  There are words about people, about things and about places I’ve yet to go.  There is something wonderfully relaxing about the music that words make.  And music they do make.  Their own rhythm, sometimes with a passion that transcends generations and makes them timeless.  I have yet to stumble upon the generation transcending string of words, but it is early yet.

I  have mentioned before, I’m fairly sure, that my Mamaw Daphne first inspired my love of words.  She, who believed in the adage touting that “knowledge is power”, forced me to look at words differently.  She made me see them for what they were and started me on the path of word appreciation.  They weren’t simply words to me anymore, but a tangible thing that I could feel, speak and interpret  if I but took the time to listen.  The love of putting words together in poems and journals, thoughts jotted down and life preserved through their magic; that came from my father’s mother, Granny Minton.

My dad once told me, when I was unable to spell the word “beautiful”, that if I was going to use words, I had better know how to spell them and what they meant.  An echo of what I learned early on from my Mother’s mother.  I learned to spell it and all the other words I wanted to use.

The third, and possibly the most encouragingly fulfilling of all of my word experiences came in my Senior year of high school.  I had to have one more English elective and I had already taken all of the available “traditional” English courses.  I looked over my choices and decided on Creative Writing.  When I walked into the room the first day, there was one word on the blackboard (we still used blackboards then).  The teacher, Mrs. Campbell, likely my favorite teacher ever, said to the class “30 minutes.  that’s how much time you have to make a story out of the word”.  I finished mine in fifteen.  The word was “adorned” and I never made less than an A in that class.  After the mid-term, in which the words on the board were “Charlie’s Bar and Grill”, she asked me where I came up with my story that had earned an A+.  I didn’t have the courage to admit that it had come from my own head, my imagination, my secret world … so I lied.  I told her that it was similar to an experience I had been through.  Not true.  I wonder where my life may have led had I believed enough in myself and my imagination to tell her the truth.

At this point, that is neither here nor there.  What is important is that words never left me.  They followed me and surrounded me through the wonderful times as well as the not-so-wonderful times.  There really is no substitute for them … not photography, not music, not art.  The symphony they sing stirs within my heart, mind, spirit and soul before it is played out with letters and punctuation; that, in itself, is priceless beyond description.  I am blessed beyond … well, beyond words.

fiddlestrings

There is nothing …

like that moment when a locked box pops open.  When things that I thought I had no knowledge of became clear because there was a remnant of it somewhere in the recesses of my mind.  Something that had a familiarity about it, felt good, wholesome and real; that  lingered just beyond my grasp.

Having a key to open a lock is, for obvious reasons, optimal, but the key … who is to say, at any particular time, what that is?  As a photographer, I know a bit about light, shadow, depth and perspective, but in photography, the image is already there and I simply capture it.  It sometimes takes a great deal of work and, at times, planning and a hint of imagination; other times, it is just there.  Tonight, I found that I had the ability to capture another kind of image.  The one that lives in my head.  The one I can’t see with my eyes until I actually create it.  It was the closest thing I can imagine to writing a song, taking a blank page and making something that wasn’t there before.

Starting new things is often difficult for me as I lack something vital.  Confidence.  Confidence in myself, my ability, my strength and even in my weaknesses.  I find that I look, with distressing regularity, for an outlet to take me somewhere other than where I find myself to be.  I use words, images, nature, books and music to name a few, to transport me.  I seem to be  continually trying to expand my horizons; horizons that I am often afraid of because they force me to step outside of my comfort zone.  Expanding ones  horizons takes confidence, and therein likes a big part of the problem.  Why, I ask, would anyone care to look at photographs I’ve taken, read words I’ve written or hear of experiences I’ve had?  It is difficult, when something comes from deep within, to believe that anyone other myself has any reason to find it interesting.

Tonight, I learned a valuable lesson.  It came in the form of a charismatic genius.  An artist who opened his world to me.  His time, his mind, his talent.  And as I sat in the class, following the instructions he gave, I watched, in awe, as an image appeared on a previously blank page.  An image that wasn’t there before and emerged as I coaxed it with lines and perspective.

I was apprehensive about trying something that I had already convinced myself I could not do, but was willing, simply for the need to know, try.  I left my first art class feeling like there was nothing I could not accomplish.  I learned that I could, in fact, draw a straight line with a ruler and that the possibilities are endless.

The box I opened tonight wasn’t Pandora’s, for it was full of things that were inspiring and wonderful.  The box I opened tonight was was the one I drew by using the knowledge I have, the tools I was given and the instruction I received.

I am, for the moment (and the moment I am in is all I really ever have), at a place where I decide whether I will stay where I am or move forward and become more than I thought I could be.  When I went to bed last night, I felt broken.  That feeling carried over to the morning and self-doubt, my oldest nemesis reminded me that I had no talent or artistic ability.  This evening, that self-doubt took a serious blow.  I found it to be one of the most empowering times that I have faced in a very long time and I was reminded that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  Yes.  A long time, indeed.

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