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when I come home filthy, covered in mud, bleeding from my brush with thorns and other sharp things of nature and smelling of the earth that I was crawling around on. There are few things in this life that renew … Continue reading
so I suppose I am due. It has been a peacefully wonderful time in which my mind has been moving at a pace that is within the realm that is called, by the rational world, normal. Unprecedented would be the word that comes to mind to describe the amount of time that has passed since the last episode. I knew, however, that it couldn’t last forever. It never does. And curiously, I am glad to have my old friend back, at least for a time.
That doesn’t mean that in a few days I won’t be wishing for silence and a functionality that I can live with, but I have (and I can’t believe I am saying this) missed the wild and random thoughts that roll though my brain like an out-of-control revolving door. Since I started art class, however, I have been in a state of normalcy. It is foreign to me, this normal thought process, and it took a couple of weeks to realize that I could control what entered into my brain pan. I am certain, as I have been certain of little else, that my friends haven’t missed the random, rambling, incoherent and often off the wall messages that they usually receive when I am on overdrive.
I was, I must say, somewhat surprised that a complete meltdown did not occur last weekend after taking my nieces to Chuck E. Cheese. There are few things that have everything conducive to a manic attack as the flashing lights, loud, repetitive sounds and cacophony of smells and voices to induce a full blown manic attack. I was rather perplexed that it did not trigger an episode; perplexed, and yet grateful as there was much to do during the limited hours of that particular weekend.
In my experience, which unfortunately, is vast, sudden, unexpected change seems to be the biggest catalyst. While I have gone through many changes in the past few months, I say again that an art class that I began in February has had an amazing impact on the ability to focus and thwart manic swings. My art teacher, an enigma unto himself and a genius in his own right, has had more of an impact than he could ever know, on my officiousness to harness my thoughts into interpretive ideas. Art has, without doubt, changed the way my mind works.
But as anything else in life, it has it’s limits and eventually, the substance that makes me who I am will become evident. I have spent many months thriving on the racing thoughts and have learned to cope with what most people would find overwhelming and unbearable. The things that seem intrusive to others, I thrive on.
There is nothing wrong with being different from everyone else. As time passes, I realize that being the “odd person out” is more of an attribute than a handicap. Imagine, for a moment, a world where everyone was exactly the same. It would be a slow and arduous form of torture. I can’t even fathom a world with people just like me. I am certain that, were that true, we would brain ourselves with a hammer within a week’s time.
I knew yesterday, when I caved and began listen to Billy Joel’s “Always A Woman” that times, according to Bob, they were a changin’. I had refrained for a long time from the over and over and over, et al, replaying of that particular song and the moment that I made a conscious decision to play it was like admitting that I was warped. It has been on repeat now for the past 36 hours. It isn’t that it is my favorite song of all time, but that seems to have little relevance.
I suppose, more than anything else, I am talking to the millions of others who face themselves on a regular basis and run, screaming, in the other direction. We are who we are. We live as we live. We think as we think. We cope as we cope. There is nothing, inherently, wrong with us. We are who we are and if the world cannot handle us as we are, then the insecurity lies within the world, not within ourselves. I am me. The music I dance to is mine. Regrets are useless as nothing that has passed can be changed. I am comfortable in my own skin, even when my skin seems odd.
Love me or hate me, I am who I am and irregardless of others’ opinions of me, will continue to march to the drum that my God plays for me. I am not ashamed of who I was for without my past, my future would be irrelevant.
Romans 12:2 ~ And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Posted in a photographer's heart, art, being myself, believer, bible verse, bipolar, blessings, blog, choices, courage, creation, dreamer, dreams, hypomania, joy, knowledge, laughing at myself, Life, life experiences, manic, manic depressive disorder, meltdown, Moving on, Pentaxian, Photography, Time, vulnerable, words
Tagged beautiful, beauty, blog, chaos, courage, emotions, encouragement, faith, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, life, love, manic, photographer, photography, strength, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, trigger, words, worship
while Barry Manilow played in the background, I spent some time catching up on photo editing. I culled through landscapes, portraits and random shots of various things that caught my eye.
The photographs are often exactly what I expect them to be, but not always. Sometimes, there is more to them than I saw with my eyes; images within images that make me realize, again, just how much there is to see.
The intimacy of holding wonder and beauty in the lens of my camera with nothing but light and shadow in between is profound; the effect it has on me is sometimes startling. Just as a piece of music that soars and resonates takes my breath, so do the images.
Contrast, light, shadow, color, reflection … they capture my imagination and intrigue me, teaching me something new every time. The same shot taken a hundred times will always yield a different result as nothing, not air nor wind nor water nor light, stays the same from one moment to the next.
I find, on occasion, that I have missed shots because I have become so mesmerized by what I was seeing that I forgot to click the shutter. At these times, the magnificence of nature or the human spirit permeate my very being and make me more than I was before; more aware, more real, more emotional, more grounded. Simply more.
There will always be, no matter where I go or what I do, more to see and experience. There will be new ways to feel old emotions and catalysts that will throw me where I never thought I could go. That is the beauty of photography. Every shot is an original. Every shutter click is a memory kept. Every image is a monument to a single, solitary moment in time. The wonder of that knowledge never fades and it never, ever gets old.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
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Tagged beautiful, beauty, blog, contrast, creation, emotions, excitement, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God's creation, image, images, knowledge, life, light, mountains, music, nature, Pentax, photographer, photography, shadow, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, words, worship
I’ve felt like singing most of the time. I have to admit, while I really like the way I feel, I am perplexed by it. I can’t say, for certain, that I have ever felt as I do now. Happy, but in a normal way. Exuberant, but in a normal way. I have the ability to keep a thought in my head and to make sense when I’m talking; even if it is only to myself.
I find myself smiling for no particular reason and being excited over simple things; like coming home at the end of a long day. I find that irritations come less frequently and the ability to reason and converse like a human being is functioning properly. It feels pretty good, actually. The joyous feeling of contentment that I didn’t have to work for; a quietness within myself that I didn’t expect.
I prayed for a peace in my mind. It is so difficult sometimes, to focus on the most basic of tasks, but complex and comprehensive ones come easy. I don’t feel that way tonight. In a way, I feel like I am seeing my life, with few responsibilities and much freedom, for the first time. I don’t know how long this feeling will last or if it will ever come again … but I am hopeful.
There has been a change of some kind, though at the moment, I can’t put my finger on it. Something uprooted? Something planted? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am not the same as I was a few days ago; I am less fearful and that in itself makes me stronger than I was before. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it was, I prayed for it. I thank God for His faithfulness.
Posted in bipolar, blessings, blog, contentment, dreams, emotions, God, happiness, happy, Life, life experiences, Pentaxian, photographer, Photography, Southwest Virginia, Time, VA, words
Tagged beautiful, blog, contentment, courage, emotion, emotions, encouragement, excitement, faith, fear, feelings, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God, greeting cards, happiness, happy, Scott County Virginia, Southwest Virginia, strength, words, worship
I’ve gone to Carolina. Yes, it is true that James Taylor may have said it in a song … and yes, it is true that I spend much of my dream time there … and yes, it is true that there is no place on earth I would rather be than on the pristine, protected beaches of the Outer banks. All true. All real. I have been toying with the idea for the past couple of years to take a trip there and maybe, if the chance arose, to spend another night, unnoticed of course, in an alcove in the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse. That is a story for another day, though.
Tonight, as I was designing custom greeting cards for requests, which I rarely do, but just felt in the mood, I came across some old photos of the Outer Banks. There are many places I have been in my life and have enjoyed each and every one of them, but none of them have had such a hold on me as the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I can’t really pinpoint what it is about that little slice of land that calls to me as a siren … beckoning me to come and stay, to live and frolick in the white sand and play in the lighthouses. It even makes me want to ride a horse on the beach and I can think of nothing I would like less than to ride a horse. They terrify me on a level that is second only to spiders, but in that place, at that time, I would do it; and do it willingly.
There is something about the Outer Banks that seems to belong to me. It’s not mine, not really, but in my heart, I feel that I belong there. I feel that there is a place reserved just for me. That sounds a bit conceited, but what, in the life of a dreamer, doesn’t. When someone dreams about something they want so desperately, are they not at the center of the dream? I have never been accused of having an ego and would agree with that non-accusation. But I do have a very vivid imagination and there is nothing that I can’t conjure in my mind. In my dreams, things always go my way, always end up as I wish they would and there is always a very handsome, very tall, five-o-clock shadow man just waiting for me to arrive.
While dreams are fine and dandy, plans are another thing altogether. I’m not much of a planner, but more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person. I find great pleasure in getting in my convertible, putting the top down and simply ending up somewhere, wherever it may be. Plans were made to be broken, deadlines were made to be missed and life was made to be lived. It I didn’t have to work to put my daughter through college, I would have been gone already.
It always seems to perplex folks that I want to experience New Orleans in the middle of summer with the stench that comes from the heat rising from the Mississippi, but how else can I experience it in the purest sense than then. Or to sit on a frozen lake in North Dakota in the middle of January. Who in their right mind, unless they live there would want to do such a thing? Me. I want to. Again, how else can I experience the reality? I don’t want to be a tourist just passing through these places I dream of. I want to be part of what makes it what it is even when it is not pleasant. I want to experience a Minnesota Winter, a San Diego Spring, a Washington State rainy season, the miles of sunflowers in Kansas (and a tornado, if I’m lucky) and to see the whole of Texas.
Then there is Austria, Ireland, Germany, Italy and India just to name a few. There are so many places I want to see that it is depressing to me to know that I will never be able to see them all before I die. I care not for the big cities. Those are a dime a dozen. I’m for the homely places with grandmothers cooking dinner, vineyards in the moonlight, mountains beneath a veil of fog. I am about life as it happens. We are, none of us, all that different. We live, we love, we dream, we hope, we aspire for something more. I just want to see it for myself. God willing, it will happen. Otherwise, I will remain, for all of my life, a dreamer, with dreams that are so much bigger than my reality. I can think of worse things than being a dreamer, however, being one with great faith in an awesome God, I look forward to seeing my dreams fulfilled. I can wait. I have waited. And in the end, the reward will far outweigh the waiting. Of that, I am certain.
Posted in Beach, believer, blessings, blog, courage, daydreamer, dreamer, dreams, earth, emotions, Encouragement, equine, facebook, faith, feelings, from my heart, God, hope, Life, life experiences, Pentaxian, Photography, strong in body and mind, Time, travel, words
Tagged austria, beauty, blog, creation, emotions, excitement, faith, five o'clock shadow, germany, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, grace, greeting cards, handsome man, ireland, italy, life, love, mountains, nature, new orleans, north dakota, photographer, photography, spiritual encouragement, strength, texax, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, travel, words, worship
is the word of the day. It is no secret to anyone who knows me or anyone who follows my blog that I am a follower of Jesus. I am thankful beyond words that He saw fit to redeem me, but not everyone I come into contact with on a daily basis can claim the same truth. That does not make them less worthy of an encouraging word. Everyone deserves to be encouraged by the people they hold dear and if they have no one who holds them dear, then where can they possibly find the encouragement they need to face another day. Just because someone does not believe as I do or think as I do or do as I do does not make them any less worthy in the eyes of the Lord. If I choose, willingly, to withhold my encouragement simply because someone does not follow the path I follow, then I am no better than the worst of humanity. In fact, because I have been given a heart of encouragement, if I withhold it, I am worse than the worst of humanity.
I have been through some very dark times in my life. Times when death seemed like the best option for everyone. I know what it feels like to lie, broken and defeated, at the very bottom of the pool. If I keep that knowledge to myself, what have I gained but bad memories and haunting imaginings? It is important to share the things that have hurt me deeply with others who are hurting. It gives them another rung when they are on the last one on the ladder … another knot at the end of their rope. To keep that which hurts me inside and not share it with people who are experiencing the same hurts and disappointments that I have faced is selfish and self-serving. If what I have gone through can help even one person to find their way, then it was worth it. Maybe, at the time, it didn’t seem like it, but like gold, I have been refined through the trials and fires of my life. And through the refining, I have gained knowledge and clarity. If I keep that to myself, then the dark valleys I have passed through will remain only that. Dark valleys. But if I share what I have learned, then the darkness I faced becomes a light of hope for someone else who is, even now, in that dark valley.
My cup, even when it seems to be empty, is always half full, and more often than not, overflowing. I am an optimist. I always have been. A dreamer, some would say, who always had my head in the clouds. I won’t deny that. I am a dreamer. I have big dreams, but those dreams have cost me, at times, dearly. There is nothing wrong with having dreams and hopes, but if those dreams and hopes end within myself, then I have learned nothing. I would hate to think that all the tears I have cried and all the prayers I’ve prayed and all the hurt I have harbored have been for nothing. I have something, as so many others, to offer. It takes courage to open my heart and hurts to others. A courage that, at one time in my life, I wasn’t certain I possessed. But I know it now, just as I know that, as time goes on, there will be more valleys, more fires and more refining. I’m okay with that, as I know that what I learn, someone else, if I am willing to share it, can find hope in their own darkness by knowing that I have faced that same darkness and came out in the light. I encourage everyone to encourage someone. There is no limit to what we can accomplish if we but offer ourselves as an example to those who are suffering. I can only hope that I am an encouragement. If I am not, then I have failed at the most important task I have ever been given. Encourage one another. Love another. Find the good in one another. Our lives will be richer for it; of that, I am certain. I know mine is, and for that, I am thankful.
Posted in believer, blessings, blog, brokenness, choices, christian, compassion, courage, daydreamer, death, depression, disallusionment, disappointment, dreamer, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, facebook, faith, fear, feelings, from my heart, God, Greeting Card Universe, Greeting Cards, help, Jesus, joy, Life, life experiences, love, Moving on, Photography, prayer, spiritual healing, strength, Time, words, worship
Tagged beauty, blog, courage, death, emotions, encouragement, faith, fear, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God, God's creation, grace, jesus, life, love, photography, spiritual encouragement, strength, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, worship
is, second only to Good Friday and Easter, the singularly most important religious holiday that is celebrated. It is true that Christmas, to the secular world, has been commercialized with thoughts of Santa, spending money and giving gifts that may or may not have any bearing on the holiday itself. It has become a day about getting, getting more and then being disappointed in not getting enough. But to those of who hold Christmas in our heart for what it truly means, it isn’t about getting at all, but giving. It is the celebration of the Virgin birth of the Christ child. Now, it is no surprise that there will be many who will scoff at this. That is not unexpected or taken in offense. I know, in my heart and soul, what I know in my heart and soul. It brings me great pleasure to honor Jesus at the celebration of His birth. To revere Him for the Savior that I personally know Him to be.
It is a beautiful image in my mind to think of a sweet little baby, wrapped in swaddling clothing, lying in a manger that is normally used to feed farm animals. As it has been taught to me by wise teacher, swaddling clothes were usually reserved for females in order to depict the suffering that they would endure through childbirth. To find a male child wrapped in swaddling clothing was simply not done. But Jesus, more than any woman bearing a child, would suffer. And not only would He suffer, He would do it willingly.
I can think of none of the children in my life, not my daughter nor my nieces, that I would sacrifice for anyone, much less a sinner, a murderer, child molester, thief. Not a chance. I would sacrifice myself before I would offer up any of those little ones dear to me; and only then as a trade. But willingly? I cannot fathom. Nor can I fathom knowing the day and the hour that I would have to turn my back on any one of them, leaving them to fend for themselves while I remove myself from from their suffering because that was the only way to obtain the redemption that their death would bring. It would be hard enough losing a child unexpectedly, but to know, day after day, that the time was drawing near. I cannot fathom. Were it up to me, it is quite obvious that mankind would be doomed to die in their sins for at the last moment, I would balk. I am, after all, only human.
I find it, therefore, an honor and privilege to revere the Christ Child and the Father who was willing to sacrifice Him for my sins. I’ve heard it said that God is callous and cruel, but what an enormous amount of love it would take for mankind in order to make Him turn His back on the Son He loved just so that we might be redeemed. Nothing callous about that. It is, without doubt, love in its purest form and I can only hope that, as I go along this life I’ve been given, I can give as unselfishly as my Father and my Savior.
2 And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.
2 (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
3 And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
5 To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered
.7 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
Posted in baby, believer, bible verse, blessings, blog, choices, christian, Christmas, compassion, courage, death, emotions, facebook, faith, family, feelings, follower of Jesus, friends, from my heart, God, Jesus, joy, Life, life experiences, loss of a child, love, Photography, strength, Time, words, worship
Tagged beauty, blog, Christmas, death, encouragement, faith, family, forgiveness, friends, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God, grace, human, jesus, jesus christ, life, love, mankind, sacrifice, sacrificial lamb, sin, sinfulness, spiritual encouragement, strength, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, worship
was in the mood to play. This has been one of those rare spaces of time that I live for. Moments that move me past my everyday life and touch the very core of that which makes me who I am. A time when emotions show themselves and then are pushed aside as the sheer joy of music fills my spirit. Before tonight, I didn’t realize how low my Spirit was feeling. Putting on a smile for the onlookers is easy. Those who don’t know what they are looking at take it at face value. I had begun to almost believe it as well. Until tonight.
I got all jazzed up and found that I was only going through the motions at the employee Christmas party. Afterward, however, was the turning point of the evening. I stopped by the house of two of my dearest friends. There was laughter, friendship and camaraderie that one can only get from those they are closest to. And then the offer came. The offer to listen as he played the piano. After the first song, I simply burst into tears and was moved so deeply as they ran, unashamedly, down my face. It was as if the notes on the page weren’t there at all, such was the depth of the music. I found myself feeling freed of every negative thought that was swirling in my mind. The profoundness of the notes were so moving that my Spirit had no choice but to open itself, becoming released from burdens and sadness that I had not really, until then, been aware were there.
I felt transcended; removed from time and space . There was nothing in my world at that moment but the musician and the music he made; his hands flying over the keys, the sound touching me intimately, stimulating every cell in my body. I felt awakened and content; calmness and exhilaration blending to become an emotion of its own. Thoughts that had filled my head for days and weeks were swept away, leaving nothing but the serenity of hearing such brilliance being played in my presence.
It is hard to explain what the sound of a piano does to me. It makes me feel breathless and full of something so wonderful that the world can’t touch. I consider myself immensely blessed to have a piano man in my life; and am thankful beyond what I have the capacity to relay in mere words that he plays for me. I suppose it isn’t really for me, but for himself, but I like to think it’s for me because he knows I love it so. Thank you, my friend, for sharing your gift with me. I am richer now than I was only a few hours ago because you took me somewhere so ethereal that even my vivid and encompassing imagination has a hard time comprehending it.
Even as I write this post, the rain is beginning to fall. I can now say, without reservation or hesitation that this has, without a doubt, been the best evening I’ve had in a very long time.
Isaiah 55:12 ~ You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Posted in believer, bible verse, blessings, blog, depression, dreams, emotions, facebook, feelings, friends, from my heart, Greeting Card Universe, joy, laughter, Life, life experiences, music, Photography, piano, Thanksgiving, Time
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was never in my plans; it wasn’t even in the back of my mind. A thought not yet thought, a dream not yet dreampt. It never really occurred to me that I could design greeting cards until one day, four years ago, when I was looking for a place to make a birthday card for my friend Len. I wanted to use a photograph of our Great Pyrenees dogs to upload to a card in order to wish a happy birthday to my dog-loving friend. I had looked up such sites before, but could find none that would allow me to upload my own photographs onto the card. And then, out of the blue (always a sure sign that a blessing is in the midst), I found Greeting Card Universe. It was exactly what I had been looking for and the site said that I could upload my photographs and make cards out of them and actually make money off of them. I had an overwhelming urge to do just that, caring about the photography and not really expecting to make any money from what came out my heart and head. The site said that it could take several months to sell a card and it could be years before any revenue was made.
My husband, who was still living at the time, encouraged me to make more. To put the words in my heart with the photographs that I had been given. I had to come up with a name for the store and because I give God all the glory for what I see through the lens of my camera, Through the Eyes of the Spirit just popped into my mind. Jim was one of my biggest fans and a sounding board for new ideas and thoughts. He was brutally honest and I appreciated that, as honesty is very important to me. I began to put words to the photographs I had taken and created cards that I could scarcely imagine that anyone would want. I was at a crossroads. A place where I had two choices; share what I had been given or cowardly hide it away because I couldn’t fathom that anyone would want anything that I had created.
So I did it. I took the leap of faith and uploaded a card with my own photograph and my own verse and prepared to wait for months or even years for anyone to take an interest. Eleven days later, I sold my first greeting card. The feeling was one of jubilation, honor, humbleness and, quite honestly, disbelief. I simply could not believe that there were people who had an interest in the words I had to say, words that were given to me, those not my own, but placed in my heart by a faithful God.
I immediately considered the first sale a fluke and then more came. And more after that. It seemed that I had a knack for coming up with the words that people wanted to say, but didn’t quite know how. I made card after card, the verses rolling off my tongue as though they were native to me. What inspiration and joy I had from each one and every time I had a sale, I was thankful and gave thanks to the Lord who had given such a wonderful thing to me. It became a ministry. One of encouragement to the downtrodden and suffering. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Many times I cried over the verses for they were born of life experiences and hardships that I would never have dreamed could ever be anything more than a burden.
It has been four years since I joined the world of greeting card design and more than 20,000 cards have sold. Yes, you read that correctly. Twenty thousand. I am stunned. I continue to be stunned. And with each sale, whether it be for one card or 500 cards, I feel the same as I did when the very first one sold. The thrill and exhilaration has not faded. Each time I get a notification, I first thank God, for it is all for His glory. My name will fade from the mind only moments after hearing it, but His name will still be on the lips of His people until the end of time. I am honored that He has chosen me to be a part of His ministry through something that I love as much as my life itself.
In my heart of hearts, I am a photographer. I see things differently and that, in itself, is a blessing. I would love to be able to thank every single person, from all fifty states and thirty different countries for their support. It isn’t possible. I don’t know who buys my cards. All I am privy to is the location from which the card was purchased, but that doesn’t impede my desire to pray when I sell a card for “loss of mother” or “college graduate” or “thank you from bride to father”. I am grateful for each one and feel a sense of gratitude and humbleness that out of hundreds of thousand of cards, someone picked mine.
I don’t take this blessing lightly as it has had a profound influence on my life. And I am, as I said, very grateful. I am blessed beyond what I have the words to say and at times when I am feeling low, He lifts me by using the talents and gifts He gave to me to bring joy that would otherwise be absent. I am in love with Jesus and take great pleasure in knowing that He loves me more than I can ever love Him. Although life has a way of kicking me down from time to time, it cannot compete with what lives inside of me. Life will go on whether I am a part of it or not, but how wonderful to know, that through the gifts given to me, that I am able to bring joy and encouragement to others. That, without doubt or reservation, makes my life worth living and for that, I am grateful beyond words that I can say.
So again I say, to everyone who has ever purchased a card from Through the Eyes of the Spirit, I hope you got even a tenth of the joy from receiving the card as I got from creating it.
Isiah 41:10 ~ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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the good, the bad and the indifferent. Birthdays have always been a very cool thing to me, whether it is mine or someone else’s, I just feel happy. Most of the time. This year, my birthday came and went. There was cake and ice-cream, family, friends, co-workers; all the usual birthday suspects. It was different, though. This month started out with a fairly serious facial injury and mid-way through, adding insult (and injury) to injury, I fairly seriously injured my shoulder and cracked a couple of ribs. Now it is no secret to the people who know me well that my mind, in the best of times, is a scary place to be. During the worst of times, I walk around with a bio-hazard sign flashing above my head.
But, as I so often do, digress. I can chalk part of it up to the end of October, that which I both long for and dread. I have a love/hate relationship with that month and it nearly always makes me high. November, however, is a month of coming to terms with the oncoming winter, saying goodbye to the leaves, hello to the bare sentries of winter and getting ready to be cold more often than not. And my birthday is this month and that always makes me feel extremely special. That was not to be this year. With each new event, there were melancholic thoughts of days past, days that I didn’t care that much for when they were the present. I thought much of my late husband and felt guilty, at times, that I was ready to let him be at peace and begin the process of getting on with my solitary (as that is how I like it) life.
I don’t discount the many blessings of the last year. That would be wrong on so many levels. The blessings have been numerous and I am thankful for each one. Blessings sometimes get lost in the fray of life, though. I have family suffering from the loss of a loved one, dear friends that I am unable to account for and dealing with turning 45. Any of these would be like turning a page during normal times, but when they all happen at once, well, it weighs on the mind.
Did it make my birthday less happy? Yes. Life has a way of doing what it wants. That doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy today, or tomorrow or the next day. It doesn’t mean that I am beyond hope. Unhappiness is a part of living and if there is anyone who has lived their entire life saying they have never experienced it, then you have seen, up close and personal, a liar.
November is nearly over and the round of Christmas parties, Band concerts, Christmas plays and a thousand other things that I will be trying hard to find a place to fit will present themselves, (at the last minute, always at the last minute), and at the same time, working diligently to keep my sanity (a fine line at best). While it is true that I’m closer to fifty than I was only a couple of days ago, that is the furthest thing on my mind. I am happier now than I have ever been. Free, so to speak, with a daughter in college and myself on my own. But there are times, as everyone knows, when it would be nice just to have someone put their arms around me, saying nothing as I cry until the tears were gone. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not a sign of weakness, but proof of humanness; it is life. It can be, at times discouraging, but in that moment that we find ourselves, unless we make it our mission, will not last forever. I am already looking forward to doing it better and with more enthusiasm in the next year; whatever “it” may be. I am a survivor and no matter what comes at me, I can depend on the Jesus to which I cling to lift me when my wings are too broken to fly on my own. I am truly, humbly, honorable and indescribably blessed and that, I don’t want to forget.
Looking at the here and now can sometimes be overwhelming … but the here and now will be the there and then tomorrow, so don’t let it break you. Let it get you down, cry when you need to, throw things if it suits you (my favorite thing to do in a crisis), but at the end of the day, realize that our life, our thoughts, our fears are part of what makes us who we are and without them, we wouldn’t really be anyone in particular, but like everyone else. I like being different, even when it’s painful. Though I have many regrets, there isn’t anything I would change because if I were to change them, my ability to relate and empathize would become obsolete. An easy life is no challenge, but rising above the odds and making the best of the worst situations takes us to a whole new level. It is my goal to serve my Lord and be the best that I can be for Him. Be encouraged, my friends, for nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Psalms 28:7 ~ The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart is trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will praise him.
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