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when I come home filthy, covered in mud, bleeding from my brush with thorns and other sharp things of nature and smelling of the earth that I was crawling around on. There are few things in this life that renew … Continue reading
to look over decisions that we’ve made, roads we have taken, choices we have labored over only to find that they weren’t the right decisions, were the wrong turns and were bad choices. But it is a constant in our lives. Not every crossroad we come to will have an outcome that is favorable. Sometimes, the results can be downright devastating.
If the only person such things effected was ourselves, it wouldn’t, I suppose, matter, quite so much. But our decisions, our outbursts, our tantrums, our misdirects … they, like a long, intricate line of dominoes, fall, one against another, starting a chain reaction that can last for years and through multiple lifetimes. Purity and innocence can be taken away so quickly that it would seem as though they never existed.
I have a wealth of understanding on making mistakes and living with them; learning from them. Some of my mistakes have hurt no one but myself, others have touched the people I love the most, causing pain that was never intended, hurt that, though time has surely layered with a cushion, can never, ever, be completely erased.
I understand pain and insecurity. I have known joy and heartache with equal measure. I have lain, curled in a ball while sobs wracked my body to the point that I feared my bones would break and didn’t care if they did. I have known despair and felt the icy fingers of death claw at my mind. I have thought long and hard about how easy it would be to simply drift away into nothingness where life could no longer kick me senseless.
It is because of these things that I have more understanding than I wish to, that I stand now, with my head up and my spirit intact. Life did not break me. It bent me, at times nearly beyond redemption, but it did not break me. I look around and see others that have been bruised and bent themselves. They weren’t broken either, but none of us came out of the fire unscathed. None of us came away from it all whole, but full of holes that left room for the pain and suffering of others to fill.
Because of my broken road, I have found compassion, I have found empathy and I have found beauty that is so stunning that, at times, it nearly breaks my heart. And along the path strewn with shards of brokenness, I have found others, stumbling along trying to find their way. And through discouragement, faith and determination, I was encouraged. We are all, in one way or another, broken and simply knowing that makes me feel less alone.
Matthew 12:20 ~ A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench
Posted in a photographer's heart, being myself, believer, bible verse, blog, brokenness, choices, cry, death, depression, disallusionment, disappointment, dreamer, dreams, emotions, Encouragement, faith, fear, feelings, joy, knowledge, Life, life experiences, love, Photography, strength, strong in body and mind, tears, Time, words
Tagged beauty, blog, brokenness, choices, compassion, courage, death, emotions, encouragement, faith, fear, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, grace, life, love, spiritual encouragement, words
the more I learn how little I really know. I could stretch it and say that each day is a learning experience, but that would be extremely broad. During a single day, there are many instances that have the ability to either help me grow or hold me back; many chances to breathe each moment, hold it, understand it and then move on. I try not to dwell too much on the ones that hold me in limbo or worse, take me back a step. Of all the things I am or aspire to be, perfect isn’t one of them. As a matter of fact, it didn’t even make the list.
The first moment comes with awakening from sleep. That pivotal instant between dreams and wakefulness, when the first thought, whatever it may be, comes to my conscious mind. That single thought, if I let it, has the power to define my day. Life events, dreams, daydreams, thoughts, wishes, people, places; they all play a part in that first waking thought. Being the first learning moment of the day, however, makes it just that. The first. If I fail this one, I can either decide that the whole day is wasted and carry a chip on my shoulder or, I can move on. Live and learn. Isn’t that what we are all trying to do?
Being an idealist, I pretty much glide through life on a cloud of positive, often turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the negative. I just take it, good or bad, as it comes. It can’t though, no matter how much I wish it, all be good. I try not to over-think things when they, as they sometimes do, go awry. Since I have already learned this lesson, I know that a long hike with my camera is good for calming such tendencies. As I make this journey, I continue to grow, learn, imagine and find pieces of myself I didn’t know were there. Every day has the potential to become an incredibly wonderful adventure. I have clothes, tripod, first-aid kit and my second favorite pair of boots in the car. When I head out to work in the mornings, it is always with the hope that today will be the day. For what? Who knows? And furthermore, who cares? If it doesn’t happen today, there’s a good chance it will happen tomorrow … and so it goes.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
Posted in a photographer's heart, believer, bible verse, blog, courage, creation, daydreamer, dreamer, dreams, emotions, facebook, faith, from my heart, hiker, hope, Life, life experiences, nature, Nature Photographer, Photography, spiritual healing, strong in body and mind, Time, trail shoots, wanderlust, wildlife, words
that never gets old. It takes me back to my childhood and brings great memories to mind and at the same time, lets me know that I’ve still got it. Last weekend, my nieces, brother and friends were sledding on the best sledding hill in Scott County. They had been on the hill the day before, so the snow was packed and slick, as it should be for an incredible sledding experience.
My niece, for whatever reason, wanted to ride with me down the hill on one of the runs. Being that she is small (at seven years old) and I am not, I was a bit apprehensive that she would be hurt were we to have a wreck. But nothing else would do her, so away we went.
Nearly three quarters of the way down, we were lucky enough to hit a dip that caused us to go airborne. While that would usually be a good thing, Sophie’s safety was my primary goal. I had my legs around her and put my hiker thighs to work to keep her intact. There was no way that kid was going anywhere.
We did go airborne. And while airborne, we did a full 360, then bounced and continued on down the hill. At some point, Sophie said to me “Nini, you are crushing my lungs”. It didn’t matter. At the end of the ride, even though we had an awesome wipe-out, she was secure within the confines of the inner tube we were riding on. No injuries were reported and there was much congratulating and high-fiving between herself and me after the ride was over.
She said to me as we prepared to go again “Nini, I love you, but you almost crushed me with your legs and my mom would be upset if you had killed me”. LOLOL … this amused me as she is only seven (six at the time of the ride) and had enough sense to know that sometimes, I go overboard in the protection department. She didn’t however, fall off because she was caught in a vice grip. How much fun that was. I only hope we have the chance to sled down the hill again; next time though, I will try not to hold her so tightly that she feels like she’s being murdered. Now, all we have to do is wait on more snow. Some things just never get old. Sledding is one of them.
Posted in blog, fun, hiker, hiker thighs, nature, Nature Photographer, niece, Photography, sledding, snow, story, strong in body and mind, Time, words
Tagged beauty, blog, courage, family, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, hiker thighs, legs, life, muscles, niece, protection, Scott County Virginia, sledding, Southwest Virginia, strength, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, words
seem to be the catchwords these days. There are, at any given time, several bugs going around that are contagious, HOWEVER, due to the unusually warm weather this winter season, the bugs (and not just the flu ones) are winning the war. It’s funny how, when someone is sick, all the lessons they learned as a child (such as covering their mouth when they cough) just fly out the window. I have been coughed on, spit on, puked on and, as of today, hit on (though that is, unfortunately, not contagious hahaha). I never really intended on being a nurse, but for some odd reason, I seem to have a knack for it. I am a people person. Had someone asked me if I were a few years ago, I would have answered with a resounding “hell, no”. But I am. Might as well admit it. Through the harsh experiences in my life that God had decided I needed to face, I have been given an arsenal of ways to relate to people facing crisis.
I still wake up every morning wishing I could spend the day looking for photographs to take, but that is not the turn my life took. I went to school and studied things that grossed me out on many, many levels and, got kicked out of the OR by a very irritated surgeon; at some point, though, was able to actually practice (mostly without gagging) what I had learned. I hate germs, hair and skin cells. They make me want to run for cover, so I ask myself over and over why I became a nurse. The answer is one that doesn’t please me, but the truth is often a bitter pill to swallow; I became a nurse because I didn’t have the nerve or courage to be what, in the depths of my soul, I wanted to be.
Ironically, there is a survey that everyone in the place I work has to fill out. Thankfully, we don’t have to put our names on it because one of the questions is “do I get to do what I do best every day”. The answer is no. I don’t get to photograph nature and life and I do not, on any level, consider making a note in a patient’s chart using medical jargon and words that I am pleased to not only know the meaning to, but know how to spell (such as costochondritis, hyperemisis and macrocytosis), writing. But even so, I don’t discount the sheer magnitude of the moment when someone who is in need says to me “you have put my mind at ease” or “I am thankful for you”. Those times almost (not completely, but almost) make me feel guilty for not wanting to be a nurse for the rest of my life.
I have, more than once, as any of my friends can tell you, been in a position where I needed to have my own mind put at ease. As recently as the last two days, if I am to be honest. I find that I treat patients the way I want my parents to be treated and often spend more time than I should trying to fix an unfixable problem. Doing so is like hitting my head against a wall again and again, but I simply don’t have the mindset to do something halfway. All or nothing, whether I love it or not, is just the way I roll. It is a blessing to know that, along the way, I can give back what has been given to me; that I can relate, even in the really bad stuff, and give someone a bit of peace by letting them know that I understand. And, too often for my own comfort, I do understand. It is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I can bring some peace to a single, solitary soul, and a curse because I often wish, without guile, that I were anywhere but where I am at the moment.
Knowing that I am relevant in peoples’ lives doesn’t cure the wanderlust or the need to write or the need to see or the need to photograph. Those things make me who I am and whether I am face to face with the flu bug or dodging vomit, or squinting my eyes shut as someone coughs directly in my face, it doesn’t change what I want to be. Just because I am good at what I do to earn a paycheck doesn’t mean that I want to keep doing it. I’ve been saying that for over twenty-five years and my reality, though sometimes skewed by moments of insanity, hasn’t changed. In my heart, I am a photographer and writer and that will not, even if those particular desires are never fulfilled, change. I still have my trail shoots. I still have my blog. I still have my dreams. I still have my faith. While I will continue to do what I do as long as I must do it, there is so much more I want to experience. Being an optimist, I have no doubt that the chance will come. Being a Sagittarius, I am just stubborn enough to wait for it. Being a follower of Jesus, I have the faith and patience to wait. Being a nurse, I at least know that, while I am waiting, I am accomplishing something that matters to someone.
So all of that being said, I remind everyone to wash your hands several times a day, change your clothes the minute you get home and for Heaven’s sake, don’t eat or drink after people; that is nasty even when you are well, even when it is people you love dearly. Remember, germs don’t care who you are, they are just glad when you are gullible enough to bring them into yourself, so protect yourself and run when necessary. Be well, be safe and follow your dreams, no matter where they may lead. I certainly intend to.
Hebrews 11:1 ~ Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Posted in blog, collapse, compassion, contagious bugs, contentment, courage, dreamer, dreams, Encouragement, facebook, feelings, flu, follower of Jesus, friends, from my heart, God, help, hope, Life, life experiences, love, nurse, Photography, Sagittarius, spiritual healing, story, strength, strong in body and mind, Time, trail shoots, words
Tagged blog, contagious, contagious bugs, courage, dreamer, dreams, emotions, encouragement, flu, friends, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God, life, nurse, photographer, spiritual encouragement, strength, wishes, words
I’ve gone to Carolina. Yes, it is true that James Taylor may have said it in a song … and yes, it is true that I spend much of my dream time there … and yes, it is true that there is no place on earth I would rather be than on the pristine, protected beaches of the Outer banks. All true. All real. I have been toying with the idea for the past couple of years to take a trip there and maybe, if the chance arose, to spend another night, unnoticed of course, in an alcove in the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse. That is a story for another day, though.
Tonight, as I was designing custom greeting cards for requests, which I rarely do, but just felt in the mood, I came across some old photos of the Outer Banks. There are many places I have been in my life and have enjoyed each and every one of them, but none of them have had such a hold on me as the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I can’t really pinpoint what it is about that little slice of land that calls to me as a siren … beckoning me to come and stay, to live and frolick in the white sand and play in the lighthouses. It even makes me want to ride a horse on the beach and I can think of nothing I would like less than to ride a horse. They terrify me on a level that is second only to spiders, but in that place, at that time, I would do it; and do it willingly.
There is something about the Outer Banks that seems to belong to me. It’s not mine, not really, but in my heart, I feel that I belong there. I feel that there is a place reserved just for me. That sounds a bit conceited, but what, in the life of a dreamer, doesn’t. When someone dreams about something they want so desperately, are they not at the center of the dream? I have never been accused of having an ego and would agree with that non-accusation. But I do have a very vivid imagination and there is nothing that I can’t conjure in my mind. In my dreams, things always go my way, always end up as I wish they would and there is always a very handsome, very tall, five-o-clock shadow man just waiting for me to arrive.
While dreams are fine and dandy, plans are another thing altogether. I’m not much of a planner, but more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person. I find great pleasure in getting in my convertible, putting the top down and simply ending up somewhere, wherever it may be. Plans were made to be broken, deadlines were made to be missed and life was made to be lived. It I didn’t have to work to put my daughter through college, I would have been gone already.
It always seems to perplex folks that I want to experience New Orleans in the middle of summer with the stench that comes from the heat rising from the Mississippi, but how else can I experience it in the purest sense than then. Or to sit on a frozen lake in North Dakota in the middle of January. Who in their right mind, unless they live there would want to do such a thing? Me. I want to. Again, how else can I experience the reality? I don’t want to be a tourist just passing through these places I dream of. I want to be part of what makes it what it is even when it is not pleasant. I want to experience a Minnesota Winter, a San Diego Spring, a Washington State rainy season, the miles of sunflowers in Kansas (and a tornado, if I’m lucky) and to see the whole of Texas.
Then there is Austria, Ireland, Germany, Italy and India just to name a few. There are so many places I want to see that it is depressing to me to know that I will never be able to see them all before I die. I care not for the big cities. Those are a dime a dozen. I’m for the homely places with grandmothers cooking dinner, vineyards in the moonlight, mountains beneath a veil of fog. I am about life as it happens. We are, none of us, all that different. We live, we love, we dream, we hope, we aspire for something more. I just want to see it for myself. God willing, it will happen. Otherwise, I will remain, for all of my life, a dreamer, with dreams that are so much bigger than my reality. I can think of worse things than being a dreamer, however, being one with great faith in an awesome God, I look forward to seeing my dreams fulfilled. I can wait. I have waited. And in the end, the reward will far outweigh the waiting. Of that, I am certain.
Posted in Beach, believer, blessings, blog, courage, daydreamer, dreamer, dreams, earth, emotions, Encouragement, equine, facebook, faith, feelings, from my heart, God, hope, Life, life experiences, Pentaxian, Photography, strong in body and mind, Time, travel, words
Tagged austria, beauty, blog, creation, emotions, excitement, faith, five o'clock shadow, germany, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, grace, greeting cards, handsome man, ireland, italy, life, love, mountains, nature, new orleans, north dakota, photographer, photography, spiritual encouragement, strength, texax, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, travel, words, worship
is one of the perfect pieces in the time puzzle that serves a dual purpose; retrospection and contemplation. It is at the cusp of the end of one week and the beginning of another. A time to look back on the past few days, to see strengths and weakness, to view insecurities and inadequacies to come face to face with failures. I don’t want, and doubt anyone else wants, to admit to insecurities, inadequacies or failures; we have them, though. In spades. How, otherwise, would we know our strengths if it weren’t for the ability to isolate our weaknesses?
I cherish these moments where I am alone with my thoughts and my thoughts have purpose. A time when I can reflect on how I handled myself in difficult situations A time to review my circumstances… my interactions. How I could have avoided meltdowns, hurt feelings and unnecessary chaos. Don’t get me wrong; there are times when I thrive in chaos, but not when it is permeated with negativity. Coming into full, thought-jamming contact with the negative is like two trains colliding. My positive brain pan tries to adjust, to defend and to avoid such an event so that my rational mind can do what it does … rationalize. Those rare but damaging collisions, however, nearly always end up causing an overload. Meltdown mode usually commences soon thereafter
When I can look back and see the catalysts to these events, it provides me with knowledge and knowledge, as everyone knows, is power. I have the information and the sense to use it to see the warning signs and avoid a potentially volatile situation which has me coming home from work and throwing porcelain cups against the wall just to hear them shatter. I don’t like feeling that way and while I am usually able to keep it self-contained, there are times when it explodes to cover my family and friends in the same sticky rottenness that I have allowed to get beneath my skin. This is humiliating for me as well as perplexing and hurtful to them; unfair to them on every conceivable level.
Knowing that I can step boldly into the week ahead with a new piece of know-how and take each day as it comes, with compassion, patience and grace (or even one of the three) gives me hope for the coming days. It is egotistical to believe that it will be perfect. This is life, remember. There are no certainties, no infallibility clause, no precision. It is simply knowing when I go in that I am going to be the best person I can be even in the midst of those who are having a moment which proves that there are no certainties. If I, however, forget what I know simply because something happened to upset the apple cart, then I didn’t learn anything useful after all and it’s back to the drawing board.
On this night, my introspection is accompanied by the brilliance of fellow Sagittarian, Paul Desmond. Music. There is a certainty, pure and beautiful, after all.
Posted in believer, blessings, blog, choices, contemplation, emotions, facebook, faith, family, feelings, friends, Life, life experiences, meltdown, music, Photography, retrospection, Sagittarius, strength, strong in body and mind, Time, words
Tagged blog, chaos, contemplation, courage, emotions, encouragement, faith, family, friends, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, grace, greeting cards, life, music, photographer, photography, positive, retrospection, Sagittarius, spiritual encouragement, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, words
for the sheer depth of joy that would come with the total immersion of mind, body and spirit into the wilderness. I wasn’t even close. In three short months, I had forgotten the thrill of knowing the exhilaration of finding that there is nothing between me and nature except the air I breathe and my Pentax. I had forgotten how awe-inspiring creation is when I can see it up close and personal. I had forgotten just how alluring the smells of the earth in winter could be.
Today, however, I was reminded. The sights, sounds and smells took me from my present self and put me in an altered state of mind. One that thrives on finding out where the trail leads, then, when the trail has run its course, the adrenaline punching adventure of veering off to become one with the hills and valleys, the streams and creeks of my mountain; for today, it was on my mountain that I wandered. My mind was peaceful, my thoughts were clear and my body strong as it responded to the challenges and physical demands of making my way through thickets and briar-laden brambles on steep, rocky hillsides.
The mind-numbing exhaustion of the past few weeks dissipated like fog under a summer sunrise. With every step, I felt my energy level rise and my stress level fade into oblivion and it didn’t escape me that I can find myself in this same state of mind over and over; that nothing can happen to me in a week’s time that I can’t undo with a hike into places both known and unknown. My mind is already full with thoughts of where I will go next week. I am blessed beyond measure by the simple things in life that God knows I have a need of.
Even now, I feel as though the energy inside me will simply burst forth, creating a display of light and shadow all around me. I suppose, since there happens to be no other, more enjoyable outlet, I will expend that energy on laundry. Pity.
Psalms 96: 11-12 ~ Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof. Let the field be joyful, and all that is therein: then shall all the trees of the wood rejoice.
Posted in blessings, blog, climbs and hikes, contentment, dreams, earth, emotions, from my heart, Hiking, joy, Life, life experiences, Mother Nature, Mountains, nature, Nature Photographer, Pentax, Pentaxian, Photography, Southwest Virginia, strength, strong in body and mind, Time, trail shoots, wildlife, words
Tagged beautiful, beauty, blog, creation, emotions, excitement, gina minton kearns, gina minton kearns blog, Gina Minton Kearns Photography, God's creation, life, mountains, nature, Pentax, photographer, photography, Scott County Virginia, Southwest Virginia, spiritual encouragement, Through the Eyes of the Spirit, VA, words
nearly has me giddy. It has been over two months since I have been out in the wild with my pentax, hiked a steep and winding mountain trail, sat on my favorite rock or stood in front of the falls. I find that I am in serious withdrawal from the beauties and bounties of being alone in the midst of nature. But the waiting is about to end. After multiple injuries that kept me in a state of suspension on level ground, I am at the cusp of being released to return to my normal, weekend warrior activity.
The bone doc shakes his head at me each time I speak of climbing narrow mountain trails, scaling over rocks, holding onto trees to keep from falling backwards on steep paths and standing inches from the edge of a cliff just to get a vertical shot; he doesn’t understand that those things are as much a part of my life as the air I breathe. He doesn’t understand that it is part of what sustains me. They make no sense to him and why, after all, should they. I am part of distinct breed and we know what makes us tick whether anyone else does or not.
I long for it and longing is a very strong emotion. I find myself thinking of the magnitude of loss that not having the hikes and jaunts every weekend have brought me. No, it is not like losing a loved one or dear friend. It is more like losing a cherished lover. The envelopment of the wonder of nature is so complete that I feel untouchable when I am in the midst of it, held in the beauty and silence and soothed from every negative thought. The silence of human voice combined with the chatter of nature is so alluring. Setting up the tripod for long exposure shots, zooming in on a bloom, rock, leaf or whatever may catch my eye, is intoxicating to me; yes, I long for it.
It doesn’t matter what the good doctor has to say tomorrow. I have been doing my own Physical Therapy and my shoulder is strong and ready to take on whatever comes my way. I have already waited far longer than I wanted to. I have exercised to way too many aerobics videos, practiced yoga until I can put my foot around my neck and into the opposite ear, lifted weights and performed hundreds of lunges and squats to keep my body strong. I hate it. Every single moment of it. I don’t want to try to keep up with some bimbo that does things that make no sense and, regardless of how limber I am, I can only stretch so far. I feel that I am well on my way to being a contortionists and warn my friends that they should not be surprised if they open a box and I am in it.
I have made an executive decision that I don’t really care, one way or the other, what the doc says tomorrow. I am going into the mountain on Saturday. I am going on a trail shoot and see what January in the mountains has to offer. I have missed it more than I have the missed my dearest friends that I have neglected to keep in touch with. Not great for their egos, but I’ve never lied to them before, why start now. I think they know anyway; know that they take a back seat to the chance to get into the wilderness and see what waits for me there. It’s why they are my dearest friends. They understand me and, inexplicably, like me anyway. Plain and simple.
While I still have a little soreness, the backpack will be a challenge. But challenges don’t scare me, they inspire me. So I’ll fill it up with water, toast-chee crackers, nekot cookies, a first aid kit, a few of my favorite lens filters and deal with it. I’m already so excited about the adventure that everything else has suddenly become obsolete. It just proves what I have said all along … I have a selfish bent. And this Saturday, I’m playing the “me” card. I have few responsibilities, when it comes to everyday weekend life, so being able to go where I please, when I please, for however long I please, is priceless.
Now to turn a complete 360 and change the subject entirely; I took out my Christmas tree tonight. It was the first tree I have had in many years and the only one that has ever belonged solely to me. I was apprehensive about putting one up at all. I just didn’t want the past to become more a part of my future than it already is. But I put it up, decorated it with only lights, and enjoyed it for over three weeks. I now look out the unobstructed window and, with a regret I never imagined, miss my tree. If I could have found a way to sustain it, I may have kept it up for months. So soothing and comforting were the fading and blinking lights. I don’t know for certain that I will have a tree next year as I doubt I will ever be as enamored as I was this year. Taking back to myself what I had lost to sorrow, disappointment and plain disillusionment was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. And I owe my dear friend, Missy, along with her young son, for picking out my perfect tree. Many thanks in this shoutout to her and TAS.
Tomorrow is another day, and if I am blessed to live until then, I will embrace it and take it in as best I can. My daily work has become a burden to me as I find my thoughts everywhere but where they should be. It takes an enormous amount of concentration (which I am not know for), dedication, which I can handle and people skills that though, I have a knack for, can’t find the passion that should be there. In my heart, I am a photographer and writer; I am a nurse because I have bills to pay. It didn’t start that way, but it’s how it ended up. Anxiously awaiting Saturday when I will immerse myself in the beauty of winter. I can barely sit still thinking about it. That, in itself, speaks volumes. That, in itself, defines a huge part of me. My drummer, my march. Selfish? Yes, on some level. Regretful? Not a chance. Bring it on. I am willing and able. No other requirements are necessary. Praising God as I go and thank Him for all that He shows me. I am blessed beyond anything I ever thought possible. Yeah.
Isaiah :12 ~ For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Posted in believer, bible verse, blessings, blog, choices, Christmas tree, climbs and hikes, courage, daydreamer, dreamer, dreams, earth, emotions, Encouragement, exercise, facebook, faith, feelings, friends, God, Hiking, humor, injury, joy, Life, life experiences, love, Mother Nature, Mountains, nature, Nature Photographer, nurse, orthopedist, Pentax, Pentaxian, Photography, Southwest Virginia, spiritual healing, story, strong in body and mind, Time, trail shoots, wildlife, words
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I am nearly always sorry afterward. Nearly. My closest friends and my sister know my moods and how my mind works. They understand that there are times when I am not feeling myself and I try, with everything I have, to pick a fight. If someone decides to fight back, knowing that in the grand scheme, it is irrelevant, but crucial to my psyche, then all is good. When I am left to my own design, I deal with the the only way I know how. The way that works best for me. I throw things.
Yep. I throw things that shatter and break. Tonight it was a Bone-China cup. A wonderful sound does Bone-China make when it shatters into a hundred pieces. It seems that, as that glass shatters, so does all the hatefulness and stress that is, at the moment, overtaking my body and mind. When my husband was living, he became adept at dodging flying objects. I hit him once and, after the first pump-knot, he learned that I aimed to hit. We laughed about it, even though, at the moment of impact, it wasn’t funny. Fulfilling and comforting to me, but not funny. Not at the moment. I hurt him, physically, and shocked him otherwise. I was sorry, but not enough to promise to never do it again. I did it again, a few times, but he had learned to gauge my moods and knew when flying objects would be part of his world. He would never fight back with me though. And so, the outbursts to my sister and friends continued, escalating after his death, and now back to normal outburst frequency. It amazes me sometimes that they don’t just tell me to get lost. I am so very blessed.
It is a rare thing for me to get so stressed that I resort to that. If the truth be known, when I stopped at my sisters house last evening, it was to provoke a fight. She knows better than anyone that sometimes, I just need to have it out with somebody and is, usually, a willing sparring partner. She wasn’t home, though, and I couldn’t find enough hatefulness in my heart to take it out on my niece and brother. So I turned to my friends. They must feel so special to get a message a couple of times a year that tell them just how badly they have pissed me off. I know, were I to receive such a message, I would just cry; maybe for days. But they know how my mind works. They understand the need for release and none of them, so far, have held it against me. I have, however, had to offer an apology or two when I forgot my boundaries. I don’t forget my boundaries as much as I ignore them. But I never, ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally, although, on occasion, I do without meaning to. For that, I really am sorry.
I used to apologize for myself all the time, but in the last few years, I have decided that I am who I am. And who I will be is yet to be determined because I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. My friends know me, my family understands me and I am at peace, for the most part, with myself; what else on earth could anyone ask for?
Proverbs 27: 5-6 ~ Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
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