In my dreams and cherished fantasies …

I find myself where I am now; looking out at the Atlantic ocean as it bumps up against the Outer Banks of North Carolina.  When I see myself down the road, this is where I envision my reality to be.  I’ve been places; many places, but none of them call to me, in my soul like this little strip of land on the Ocean.

I find my heart soaring, my inner self singing and know that I have, in every sense of my being, come home.

Maybe in a past life, or with inherited memory, or some other cosmic force, I have been here before, living and breathing and soaring through the air.  I know it as I know my own home.  I feel a belonging that beckons me to stop and stay; for a while or forever.

I can see myself, years down the road, waking to the sunrise, driving to the lighthouses, watching the wild horses, singing a song that only one who lives by the sea can sing.

Tears threaten, but they are tears of peace and contentment.  Sorrow is as far from me as the depths of the ocean I gaze upon.

God has given me this space of time, the peace of mind, the joy in my heart.  He knows of that which I had need.

And He, as always, is faithful.

Papaw’s Girls …papawasgirls

Feeding the gulls (they enjoy Pringles)feedingthegulls

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After hours … in the presence of the LightBodieIslandLight

As the last light of the day …

ebbs behind the mountains and the now, multicolored clouds, I find myself on the back porch.

Grilling.

Making my lunch for tomorrow.

With the job I have been training for, I find that I could have Subway every day. 

One of my cherished fantasies.

But I find that, sometime over the past few years, I have become cheap.

Too cheap to buy lunch every day.

And I like grilling.  I love the smell of the smoldering charcoal.  It is even more prevalent this night as I forgot to bring it in last time and it got rained on.

Love those waterproof bags, but if enough wet gets on them, well, I don’t have to elaborate on that.

The chicken and onions are sizzling and the smell makes my mouth water.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow mostly because of my lunch break.

I feel quiet in my mind and peaceful in my spirit.

Thankful.

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Going to work tomorrow …

is a chore.

I wonder, sometimes, if I can be a nurse for next twenty years, until I can retire.  I have a  hard time envisioning it.  A hard time seeing myself there.

For twenty more years past the twenty-five that I’ve already given.

Seeing the harshness of humanity, the sickness, the sorrow, the depravity … the death.

It is difficult for me when all I dream of is traveling and taking photographs.

I want, first and foremost, to see my own country, and then Ireland and then all of Europe; Germany in the springtime.

I have dreams.

I have aspirations.

I am too soft-hearted to be a nurse … to see the suffering, to feel the suffering, to hold the suffering unto myself.

I bring it home with me.  I dream of it.  I cry for those who cry.

I sometimes think I don’t have the strength or the courage to do what I do and yet, I cannot turn my back on those who cry on my shoulder.

I feel overwhelmed, at times.  I feel inadequate at others.  I am only me, but still, I am called to be more than I feel I can be.

I pray with them.

I don’t know what else to do.

My life experiences, many of them troubled and harsh, give me an insight into the suffering that these people who lean on me need.

I hope I am enough.

I fear that I cannot measure up.

I want to encourage them and know, that somehow, through my own discouragement, I can help them.

I continue to pray that I can be a part of the answers they seek.

I see the fear, sorrow and uncertainty in their eyes.  I know their pain, I have been through the fire and I can relate.

But I’m not sure I can continue to face that every single day.

Not sure I have the strength to carry the burdens of those I seek to encourage.

No certain that I even want to.

And yet, I cannot abandon them for their tears touch me so deeply.  I succumb to their sorrows and find myself weeping in the wee hours of the morning for that which I cannot alter.

I have told myself many times that, in my heart I am photographer and while that is true, also,  in my heart, I am a nurse.

And I know now, that no matter where I go, or what I photograph, the love for humanity will always take precedence.

I will always, whether a recognized photographer or not, be a nurse.

It is the burden I bear.

And I bear it with confidence that I, in some small way, can bridge the chasm.

I want, whether through photography or nursing, to make a difference …

If I can’t, then I, on all sides, have failed.

I don’t want to be a failure.

A young praying mantis sits in the sun of early summer

A young praying mantis sits in the sun of early summer

On the first day of June …

I went to my favorite place … Little Stoney Falls.  Once I got there, however, the parking space was full of cars.  I was in no mood to share MY falls with all these people, so I simply turned around and moved on.

I took the long way around to get there to begin with, for what better way to spend this magnificent day than driving around with the convertible top down and the music playing?  From there, I took the long way around again and wound up in Coeburn, taking the turn for Flag Rock and the High Knob tower.

I lost myself in thoughts and dreams as I drove up the curvy, winding mountain road.  It was one of those perfect days where the sky is blue, the clouds are white, the weather is warm and the light is magnificent.

While I did stop at Flag Rock and was bewitched by the beauty of the mountains, the blooming rhododendron and the sheer beauty of creation, I bypassed the High Knob tower.

There is no longer a tower there and the trees had grown up the last time I visited making the view nearly nonexistent.

I just kept driving.

Over the mountain.

The dirt road in front of me, the dirt road in back of me, the forest on either side and the incredible sky above.

At some point, I did get behind another car and found myself, once it was said and done, covered with a layer of dust.

Small price to pay for driving along with the top down and all of nature surrounding me, filling my head with dreams and images; I was in another place for that space of time.

I ended the day with a stop by the cemetery to talk to Jim about this, that and the other thing.  It seems that my visits there over the past few weeks have done wonders to balance my spirit.

I have things to say and no one, in particular, to say them to.  I talk to the sky, the wind, the grass, the birds … and I talk to him.  Nobody knew me the way he did.  I doubt anyone ever will again.

But that is neither here nor there.

It was a lovely day and I am grateful.

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Warm weather means one thing to me …

convertible top down!  OK, maybe two things, at least once my sister’s pool is operational, that is.

There is nothing like driving along with the convertible top down and the music loud to ease every care from my mind.  A balm to my spirit, it is.  And I love it.  Every minute of it.

I don’t mind that I get crazy looks as I gaze toward the sky and clouds as I’m driving along.  They bring me comfort and ease and I feel as though I am one with them.  Who doesn’t, I ask, want to be one with the sky?

One with the clouds?  One with the birds?  One with the stars?  One with the moon?

The music varies widely and can go from Ozzy Osbourne one minute to Bach the next to Styx the next to Wagner the next.  There is no rhyme nor reason, only joy; pure unbridled, joy.

Today, the temperature reached 92° and I was in my own personal Heaven.  The sun beat down, warm on my skin and in my eyes.

I was sun-kissed and it was awesome.

I spend way too much of my time thinking of things, places and people that I aught not be thinking about and my convertible time empties my mind.  It sets me free in a way that I cannot explain.

I am myself.  My thoughts are my own and if the tears fall, they are my own as well.  I still think of things and of people, but they are are freer, more beautiful, somehow.

Open and wonderful, without guilt, without compromise.  Simply mine.

I am me.  I am a Sagittarius.  I wish, I want, I will things into being and then, when they don’t suit me, I may mourn for them, but ultimately, let them go.

On these occasions, I am nothing more than a petal spiraling in the wind, wishing wishes and floating, as though weightless, above the earth.

The hay grass dancing.

The lightning bugs flickering.

I am a part of nature and it is spectacular.

Life.

The ultimate roller coaster with the ups and downs, unexpected and exhilarating,with its realistic to the point of detriment, dreams.

And I, from this moment forward, plan to enjoy the ride.  And, when the dreams, sometimes plain, oft times erotic and breathtaking, filled with music, come, I plan to enjoy them, too.

I will embrace them and become part of them, immersing myself in them.

I will thrive in the dreams that I dream and know that I, after all, am still me, with my hopes, longing  and desires.

Human.

Still me, always me, and relishing that which comes int0 my mind.

I intend to waste none of this magnificent existence, whether real or imagined, dreams or reality.

I’ve wasted too much time, already.

Beemer, a sweet Great Pyrenees, shows his Hollywood

The funny thing about grief …

is that it has no respect of place or person or time.  It has its own agenda and descends on the unsuspecting mind whenever it decides to.

As quickly as it descends, it evaporates, leaving us feeling empty, full, drained, energized and a half dozen other emotions and feelings that I can’t quite put my finger on.

I am very thankful to see May coming to an end.  I usually enjoy it, but of late, it has become a millstone around my neck.  The beauty of nature, the loveliness of spring, the return of the fireflies … they take a back seat.

I don’t wish that to be so.  Were it up to me, I would categorize memories and take them out only when I wanted to see them, not when they simply decided to materialize.

There is nothing, however, inherently wrong with feeling aggrieved.  No shame in reliving past moments.  There is only the feeling of discombobulation that comes with the memories.

What good are they really?  Once someone is gone forever, what possible good can come from remembering things that are past and can never be again.

It seems to me like an aberration of normalcy.

It doesn’t manifest itself only to those who have lost people they care about to death.  Oh no.  It gleefully torments those who find themselves thinking of ones they have lost to circumstances; missed opportunities and words left unsaid.

Words said.

Words that can never be retrieved.

They are all part of grief, part of wishful thinking, part of regret.

I don’t want to regret my life.

Yes, many things  have happened in my past that I would happily pay to have removed from the record.

But what is done is done.  What is said is said.  What is unsaid is unsaid.

There are no do-overs.

So that leaves only this … to live life, each day, to the best of our ability; to give, to love, to find the good, to seek the light, to be content.

There are people in my head that I don’t want to think about … maybe they are gone, maybe they never were, maybe they were but now aren’t.

Maybe they are figments of my overactive imagination.  It is hard to tell.

What I do know is this … this life is mine to live, mine to make the most of.  If at the end of it, there are regrets, I will have nobody but myself to blame.

When I think of Memorial Day …

I think of my dad, specifically his dog tags and the photograph of him in his Air Force uniform.  So young, so very young.  So handsome and full of possibilities, hopes, dreams and wishes.

I can’t really explain it, but each time I look at it, I want, more than anything else, to weep … for  him, for others, for things I don’t understand.  And many times I have done just that.

Wept like there would be no tomorrow.

I think of the privileges I am afforded and how many of them were dependent upon men and women like him.

I think of Mr. Salley, who fought on the beaches of Normandy, France.  He, who, with tears in his aged eyes, told me his story.  It was horrific, the things he related … the tragedies, the loss, the hurt and the fears that he faced and then, through the sheer necessity to survive, overcame as best he could.

But the memories remained, always remained, forever haunting him.  I know this because he told me so.

The death he saw, felt and experienced …

The pain and anguish of each tear that fell from his old and wizened eyes struck me with devastating clarity.  I cried, unashamedly, with him as it broke my heart to hear it.

But I needed to hear it.  Needed to feel it.  Needed to understand the depth of the sacrifice.

I was, in that single moment, forever changed.

He revisited Normandy a few years back and brought me some sand from the beach on which he fought.

I am thankful beyond measure that I had the chance to hear his story and know the man behind the memories before he passed away.

The sand is one of my most treasured possessions.

That and my dad’s dog tags.

I would give up every photograph I have ever taken, every sunrise I’ve ever witnessed, every mountain peak on which I have ever stood simply to keep these two things in my possession.

I remember my friends who have served, who still serve.  Who risk everything they hold dear for strangers; faces they will never see.

It never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice for their country, their loved ones, their way of life, our future and the freedoms that we so blithely take for granted.

I remember them as Memorial Day looms in the next few hours.  I remember their faces, their smile, their laughter, their stories.

I remember their pride in what they have had a part in preserving and again, the memories they carry within themselves.

Memories no one should have to relive; burdens no one should have to carry.

It shames me to think that I too often forget to remember them.  I will try harder.

They gave everything so that we could have the one, most wonderful thing there ever was to have.

Freedom.

God Bless America.

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